


Bucky Barnes, Captain America

by TheAutotheist



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bucky Barnes as Captain America, Captain America: The First Avenger, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, M/M, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers as the Winter Soldier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-20
Updated: 2015-12-27
Packaged: 2018-05-07 21:26:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 22,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5471342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAutotheist/pseuds/TheAutotheist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky didn't fall off the train. But someone else did.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Okay, this was bad. Bucky was man enough to admit when a situation was not going his way. He was trapped behind some metal crates, on an enemy train speeding through enemy territory, pinned down by enemies. An ambush had separated him from Steve, who he was sure also was dealing with his own enemies.

His rifle was out of bullets, of course. Bucky ducked around the crate and took a shot at the Hydra agent on the other side of the train car with his handgun. He heard the bullet ping off the guy’s helmet. And as he took another shot, he was only met with the sickening click of an empty chamber. Damn.

Bucky pressed his back up against the wall and slammed his head back. He was screwed. Not completely screwed, but mostly screwed. The Howling Commandos were used to tough situations, and had gotten into plenty of scrapes while taking down Hydra. But he was alone, trapped behind some boxes, with no bullets. Sure, he had a couple knives on his belt. And he was banking on the fact that the Hydra agent would have to get close enough to try to take him out that he’d be able to use those knives. But it still did not look good.

That was, until the door behind him slid open and he saw Steve standing there, out of sight of the Hydra agent across the train car. He held up his handgun to indicate what he was going to do and Bucky nodded. Bucky dropped his own gun as Steve tossed him his. Without any direction, Steve ran out into the train car, and Bucky rose from his hiding place. Steve slammed into a crate in the center of the car, sending it flying towards the Hydra agent, who naturally moved out of the way to avoid it, and right into Bucky’s line of fire. All Bucky needed was one shot, and he put a bullet between the guy’s eyes.

Bucky sighed in relief and lowered the gun slowly as he looked around the train car to make sure that had really been the last Hydra agent. “I had him on the ropes,” he mumbled as he turned to face Steve.

Steve smiled and readjusted his shield on his arm. “I know you did.”

The positions they were standing in left Steve facing the door he had come from, and the smile dropped off his face just as quickly as it appeared.

“Get down!” he yelled as he grabbed Bucky’s shoulder and dragged him down behind his shield. Bucky barely had a chance to register the blue blast of energy that bounced off Steve’s shield and tore a hole in the side of the car.

He lifted himself up onto his hands and shook his head to try to work out the ringing in his ears. Steve recovered much more quickly. He snatched up the handgun, which had fallen out of Bucky's hand when they'd been blasted back, and raised his shield up to block as he fired at the heavily armored Hydra monstrosity. But Bucky was a better shot, so the last few bullets did nothing, and he instead braced as another blast hit the shield.

It didn't blow Steve off his feet this time, but it did knock him back enough for momentum and gravity to do the rest. Steve's foot slipped where the flooring had been torn away, and the shield went skidding out of his hands towards Bucky's feet as Steve made a frantic grab for the rail still on the torn section of wall.

"STEVE!!!" Bucky screamed. He scooped up the shield and pushed himself to his feet in one motion. The Hydra agent was powering up for another shot, so Bucky had very little time. He was nowhere near as strong as Steve, not even close, but he threw that shield as hard as he could, and it did manage to hit the Hydra agent square in the chest and knock him off balance. He took the moment that bought him to snatch up the dead agent's rifle and position for one more shot. And he used it to blow the guy's brains out.

He dropped the rifle without a second thought and scrambled to the opening. "Steve!" He called out.

"Bucky!" Steve called back. He held onto the broken rail and tried to scoot his way back to the opening.

Bucky edged out as well and then held out his hand. "Steve!" he yelled above the wind, "grab my hand!" He reached out as far as he could, but then had to grip the rail again to keep from falling. But he was determined. There was no fucking way he was losing this punk, not now.

Steve swung his hand towards Bucky's, but they were still too far away. Bucky reached his fingers out further, only a breath away from being able to touch Steve's fingertips.

"Just a little bit more..." He said.

Bucky really thought he'd been able to grab Steve's hand and pull him in. He really thought he'd be able to _save_ him. But the metal gave an ominous creak loud enough to be heard over the wind, and then the whole rail tore off the side of the train.

Bucky had heard the thing about how important moments seemed to happen in slow motion. But he'd never really believed it. Now he understood. As Steve fell, Bucky watched his eyes widen briefly and his hand flail out in one last attempt at a desperate grab. Bucky leaned out so far, he almost fell himself. He knew he was screaming, probably what had started as Steve's name, but just ended in an anguished cry as he watched Steve fall and be swallowed by the whiteness.

He hung there long after Steve had disappeared completely, just staring at the place where he'd fallen. Eventually, he dragged himself back inside the train car and stumbled across the floor to rest his back against the opposite wall. His foot bumped Steve's shield, and he leaned down to pick it up carefully. He took it in both hands and turned it over to look at the white star surrounded by red and white circles.

He was gone. After everything they'd lived through together, Steve was gone. He'd survived every winter and every bully and sickness life could throw at him, but this was what got him. Falling off a train was what finally killed Steve Rogers.

Bucky dropped his forehead down to the shield and bent over to scream as loudly as his lungs would allow. “AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!” He couldn't even say words. His pain was beyond words. He was reduced to just noise.

He thought he was going to scream himself hoarse, but he didn't. He was a soldier, after all. And he had a job to do. So he gave himself another minute to raise his eyes and look at the shield. Then he turned it and secured it to his arm as he'd always seen Steve do. He grabbed his own rifle and slung it over his shoulder. But he grabbed the Hydra gun for use as an actual weapon since it still had bullets.

Bucky made his way through the train. They must have sent all the guys they had to attack him and Steve, because he didn’t run into anyone else until he reached the engine. The conductor was dead, and Zola was restrained in the corner, but conscious. He was gagged, though, so he couldn’t say anything as Bucky walked in, but Bucky thought he saw some glimmer of… satisfaction in those beady eyes.

Gabe stood at the controls, directing the train to the pick-up point where they would meet with the rest of the Commandos. He turned to look at him with his gun raised, but he relaxed when he saw it was Bucky. And then he frowned deeply, glancing over Bucky’s shoulder, and then down at Steve’s shield on his arm. He opened his mouth, but Bucky shook his head once before Gabe could say anything. A dark look came to Gabe’s eyes, but he turned back to the controls and resumed what he was doing.

When they met up with the others, at first there were cheers that went around that they had successfully completed their mission, but everyone slowly realized the gaping hole in their ranks. Strangely, no one said anything on the way back to London, not even Dum Dum.

At one point, Morita suggested, “We should report in that…”

“No,” Bucky said quickly. He’d been second-in-command. He wasn’t a captain, but without Steve, that put him in charge. “We’re supposed to keep radio silent. And…” He couldn’t really voice his reason, but he didn’t want this news reported over the wire. He wanted to say it in person, so he could take full responsibility.

As soon as they arrived at the London base, actually under the cover of night, Zola was rushed off to secure containment. There were congratulations from many people there, as many people in SSR knew how crucial it was to bring Zola back alive.

“I’m going to interrogate the little bug myself,” Colonel Phillips promised.

“So we can finally wipe Hydra off the map,” Howard agreed.

But it was Agent Carter who noticed. “Where is Steve?” she asked after a moment. Her eyes met Bucky’s, and he wondered if it was the first time she’d ever done that.

As soon as she said that, the Commandos got quiet. They didn’t know the details; Bucky hadn’t said anything on the trip back. They only knew Steve was gone. To punctuate the silence, Howard asked, “Yeah, where is Cap?”

Bucky squeezed his hand into a fist at his side, but forced himself to look Peggy in the eye as he said, “He fell.”

“Fell?” she asked with a frown, like she didn’t understand. But he could see the gears working.

“He’s dead,” Bucky said shortly, cutting to the chase. The longer he beat around it, the harder it would be to get out.

“WHAT?” both Phillips and Stark said at the same time.

Peggy stayed quiet.

Phillips pointed at him. “You. Sergeant Barnes. I want a full report. Right now.”

Bucky took a deep breath and told them everything. He was aware of the Commandos listening closely behind him. Howard Stark was actually silent during the whole thing. Phillips had his lips pursed so thin, you could barely tell he had a mouth. And Carter kept her eyes on his the whole time. He wasn’t sure what he expected from her. It seemed like she was in love with Steve, and he could tell there was some interest on Steve’s part, which irked him. It wasn’t that Carter was a bad dame, necessarily, but… well…

Still, she didn’t shed a tear. She just waited for Bucky to finish, and for Phillips to bark orders at them to keep this silent until they could decide what to do. And then Carter excused herself and walked away without saying anything else to anyone.

Bucky looked at the other Commandos. Dum Dum opened his mouth to say something, but Bucky shook his head. After Phillips dismissed them, he wandered past the others with his hands stuck deep in his pockets. But Dum Dum reached out and put his hand on his shoulder to stop him.

“Bucky,” he said, much more gently than Bucky ever thought Dum Dum capable of. “It wasn’t your fault.”

Bucky just stared him down.

“It wasn’t. You knew Cap, better than any of us. You knew what he was like.” He squeezed Bucky’s shoulder. “We know you must’ve tried everything to save him.”

Bucky shrugged his hand off. “Doesn’t stop the fact that Steve is _dead_ ,” he said so bitterly that he surprised himself. Dum Dum even looked surprised at the venom in his voice. So Bucky sighed and ran both hands through his hair, and then he turned for the door again. “I need air.”

When he got to the ground floor, he found an air raid siren blaring, and people tried to keep him from going out. But he fought fucking Nazis, he wasn’t scared of a Blitz. He wandered the bombed out streets of London, occasionally glanced through the wreckage. His feet took him to the favorite bar of GIs on leave. When he got there, he stopped and just stared. It had almost been completely destroyed.

Carefully, he made his way through the rumble to what remained of the inside of the bar. Of course it was in ruins. This was the place where Steve had asked Bucky to join his team, and where Bucky said he wouldn’t follow Captain America, but he’d follow the punk from Brooklyn who was too dumb to run away from a fight. This was where the Howling Commandos had begun. Without Steve, what were they going to do now?

Bucky found a bottle of alcohol that hadn’t been destroyed in the bombing. He didn’t even care what was in it. He tore off the cap and raised it to his lips. The liquid burned the whole way down, but it was welcome. He would rather the burn in his throat, than the pain in his chest. He dropped down into one of the few chairs that looked like it could still support his weight. He took another swig from the bottle and then set it on the table in front of him with a clink. He rested his elbow on the tabletop next to the bottle and ran his fingers through his hair.

God, of all people, how could _Steve_ be gone?

 

_He followed the punching sounds as they echoed through some back alley on some little street. And sure enough, at the end, he found Steve getting his ass handed to him by a guy three times his size, while a dame with a black eye hovered around them. She saw Bucky first, and took several steps back when he approached._

_“Hey!” he said as he grabbed the guy’s shoulder and spun him around. “Leave him alone!” He socked the guy square in the jaw, just for a good measure._

_The guy stumbled back in surprise, but then he straightened up and glared at Bucky. “The hell are you?”_

_“I’m the guy you’re going to have go up against next. How sure are you of your chances?” Bucky straightened up as much as he could to show he couldn’t be as easily beaten into the pavement._

_“Oh yeah?” He swung at Bucky, who ducked easily and jabbed him in the stomach. The guy stumbled back into the wall, coughing and clutching his stomach._

_Bucky raised his fists again. “Want to go again? I can do this all day.”_

_The other guy considered for a second, then he turned to the dame and reached out to grab her arm. “C’mon, Louisa. Let’s get out of here.”_

_“No!” She tried to take a step back. “Don’t you touch me.”_

_“Come on, you little—”_

_“Hey!” Bucky stepped between them. “Since I take it this was all about the girl and the fact that you’re human trash, I suggest you walk away, alone. Right now.”_

_The guy looked at him one last time, and then he pointed at Bucky. “You’re going to regret this.” He turned on his heel and stalked out of the alley._

_“Yeah, so they keep telling me…” Bucky muttered. He knelt down next to Steve. “You okay, pal?”_

_Steve pushed himself onto his knees and wiped at his bloody nose. “I could’ve handled that…”_

_“Sure you could’ve.” Bucky grabbed his arm and hoisted him to his feet while the dame fluttered around them._

_“Oh my god. No one ever stands up to him. Oh my god. What am I going to do now?”_

_“Ma’am,” Steve said as he took the rag Bucky handed him to stop up his nose. “I suggest you go home and forget about creeps like him.”_

_She looked down at Steve, cause she was taller than him. “Thank you… I… No one’s ever done that for me.” Then she looked at Bucky and seemed to take him in. “If there’s anything I can do to make it up… Anything you’re interested in...”_

_So, Bucky was a flirt and a charmer, but he wasn’t going to stoop that low. “Just go home. Trust me, this guy,” he shook Steve’s shoulder, “wasn’t doing it for a reward.”_

_She looked between them, maybe a bit disappointed, but then she too walked off. Just before she turned the corner, he saw her pull out her compact and start dabbing at her swollen eye._

_Bucky shook his head and then turned back to Steve. “You gotta stop doing stuff like that. You’re lucky he didn’t break anything.”_

_“I can handle myself. And he was hitting her. What kind of guy beats up on his girl like that?” He pulled down the rag so he could check if his nose was still bleeding. He also had his own black eye, and split lip, and bruises all up and down._

_“Creeps and assholes. I come from a line of them, remember?” He carefully put his arm around Steve to lead him off. “Come on. Can you walk okay?”_

_“Yeah…” They made their way out of the alley toward their apartment. “You know that woman wanted you to ask her out.”_

_“Yeah, I’m not an idiot. But I’m no savior. And I ain’t going to take advantage like that. Besides, you were the one who jumped in.”_

_“Yeah, well, no one looks at me when you’re around…”_

_Bucky helped him up the steps to their apartment. “She just doesn’t know what’s she’s missing.”_

_“She and everyone else, right?” Steve winced when he turned to look at Bucky._

_Bucky rolled his eyes and got him inside. “Sit, punk.” He pointed at the couch and then got the first aid kit from the kitchen. It certainly got enough usage with how often Steve got in fights. Bucky dragged a chair over so he could sit in front of Steve and he gently placed his fingers on his chin so he could turn his head back and forth to see where the worst of his injuries were._

_“At least your nose has stopped bleeding…” he said dryly. “Now, you know the drill. This’ll sting.” He dabbed rubbing alcohol at the split lip. Steve tried real hard not to wince, but he did anyway. Bucky didn’t pause. He just continued to clean the cuts on his face and take care of the bruises. He even made Steve take off his shirt to make sure he wasn’t hiding anymore injuries._

_Steve was too used to this by now to try to protest much. Bucky was worse than Steve’s mom about this kind of thing, especially since she wasn’t around anymore. After a minute of sitting quietly, he said, “Thanks, Buck…”_

_“For what?” Bucky kept one hand on the side of his neck while he tried to do something about the black eye. “Jumping in so save your punk ass or cleaning you up after?”_

_“Both, I guess.” Steve sighed. “You don’t have to, and you’re always there for me.”_

_Bucky paused so he could really look at him, not just his injuries. “‘Course I am. With you to the end of the line, remember?”_

_Steve smiled, just a bit. He didn’t want to open his split lip again. Carefully, his hand came up so he could rest his fingers on Bucky’s wrist, holding his hand in place against the side of his neck. “Yeah, I remember… That’s why I’m saying thanks.”_

_“Well…” Bucky didn’t dare move. Something was happening here, that made it different from every other time he had cleaned Steve up. And he didn’t know what it was. “Try not to get in fights so I don’t have to save you.” He paused. “But I will always watch your back.”_

_“I know.” Steve kept smiling. And then, very slowly, he let go of Bucky’s wrist and turned his head slightly, an invitation for Bucky to go back to the black eye._

_So he did. Neither of them talked about that moment again._

The level of alcohol left in the bottle had dropped significantly by the time Agent Carter found him. He was honestly surprised she was the one who came looking for him, out of all people. He half expected her to be curled up in some corner trying to drink her pain away as well. So he held up the bottle when she approached.

“Want a drink?” he asked. “It doesn’t seem to be doing me any good.”

Carter picked up a chair and set it across the table from him before taking a seat. “What do you mean?”

“God damned war has made me numb to alcohol, apparently.” He tilted the bottle slightly so he could see the level of drink left. “Not even buzzed after all this…” He set the bottle down in front of her.

Carter watched him for a moment, and then picked up the bottle and took one quick drink from it. She gagged slightly right at the end. “What the hell did you find, Barnes? You shouldn’t be able to sit straight right now after that much.”

He shrugged. “Can’t explain it.”

She wiped her mouth carefully and slid the bottle back to him. “You know, Steve…” she said the name slowly, testing out their reactions to it, “probably couldn’t get drunk either. The serum increased his metabolism. So he would have processed the alcohol faster than he could become intoxicated.”

Bucky stared at her. “That is an awful super power.”

She smiled, just a bit. But it was still terribly sad. “Well, the strength and muscles do make up for it.”

“Well, I ain’t got super powers.” He took a long pull from the bottle.

“That we know of.”

That made Bucky lower the bottle so he could look at her. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Carter just watched him. After a quiet moment, she said, “It wasn’t your fault, you know.”

He set the bottle down on the table harder than he meant to, and the sound echoed in the burned-out place. “You heard the whole report. You know that’s not true.”

“It sounded like you did everything you could.”

“Yeah? Well, I could have done more. If I’d… paid more attention, that guy wouldn’t have been able to get the drop on us. Should’ve seen it coming…”

“James.”

Bucky looked up in surprise and met her eyes. She’d never called him by his first name. She had hardly ever even addressed him, but always it had been either Sergeant or Barnes. They didn’t really get along, after all. And he had a sinking feeling that they _both_ knew why.

“Steve signed up for this. He knew what he was getting into. You all did. He knew the risks…”

“Steve would never back down just because there was a chance he could die.” Bucky wrapped his hand around the neck of the bottle again, but he didn’t raise it from the table, instead he rolled it around on its base. “Never met a guy with such a low sense of self-preservation.”

“So you mustn’t blame yourself.”

“Yeah?” he glanced at her again. “Look, I saw your expression in there. You were thinking the same thing as me.”

Carter cocked her head to the side slightly. “And what was that?”

“That it should have been me. I should’ve been the one who died, and Steve the one who lived.”

"I would never say—"

"I know. But you were thinking it." She opened her mouth to protest again, so he rolled his eyes. "Come on. You can't sit there and honestly tell me you wouldn't rather I had died if Steve could've lived."

She closed her mouth rather than offer another excuse. Bucky appreciated that she didn't make some bullshit comment about rathering no one had died. She understood the point he was making. And she knew he was right.

"Steve wouldn't want that," she said at last.

“Yeah, well…” Bucky took a long drink from the bottle and finished the last of the alcohol. When he was done, he tossed the thing over his shoulder, and it shattered among the rubble. “Steve doesn't get an opinion on these things anymore. He's gone, gone, gone.”

“Are you certain you're not drunk?” She asked. Bucky was actually pleased there was a note of disgust in her voice. After all, he lived to upset prim and proper ladies like her.

“Honey, if I was drunk, you would definitely know.” He smirked and leaned back in his chair.

“So you're one of those who lashes out at other people in grief.” She said it like she was making a medical observation.

Bucky leaned forward. “Don't pretend to know me.”

Carter sighed. “Look, whether you've noticed or not, James Barnes—”

“Don't call me James."

“—we've been working together for quite a while now,” she continued like she hadn't been interrupted. “So I do know you.”

“You've barely ever spoken two words to me.”

“That does not mean I have been unaware of your _actions_.” She gave him a long, hard look.

He curled his hand into a fist on the tabletop. “Is that so?” he asked, his voice dangerously low.

She sighed. “Barnes, I mean you no ill will. I came looking for you to offer my own sympathy, and to make sure you hadn’t gone and gotten yourself blown up.”

"Why?" He carefully eased his hand open again, with the immediate threat gone.

“Aside from the obvious?” Carter chewed on her lower lip and glanced past him out at the streets of London. She met his eyes again. “Colonel Phillips has a… suggestion.”

“I’m sure I’m going to love this,” Bucky said sarcastically. He wished he still had more beer or whiskey or something. Maybe if he drank enough, he could actually get drunk and cover up the gnawing, aching feeling in him.

“We can’t let the general public know that Captain America is… dead.” She leaned forward so she could clasp her hands together on top of the table.

Bucky glanced down at her hands and felt a twinge of sympathy break through his own self-centered grief. She was in love with Steve, even if nothing ever happened between them. So she still lost the man she loved. And she managed to continue doing her job.

“Because of the whole symbolic, morale-boosting aspect?” Bucky asked. “You’re talking about Captain America, not Steve Rogers.”

“Yes, I am. And Colonel Phillips is right. We are at a crucial point in the war. We’re winning. If everyone finds out Captain America was killed by the Germans, they might… lose hope.” She looked at him. “We’ve been fighting this war for years, us even longer than you lot.”

“I didn’t decide when my country would join the war. And I _enlisted_ , in case you forgot.” Bucky ran his hand through his hair. “Cause I couldn’t do anything else with how hard Steve was trying to get over here and fight…”

“Dr. Erskine had told me Steve had tried to enlist five times before they met.”

“Punk…” Bucky muttered. He sighed and looked at Carter. “Okay, so Phillips doesn’t want to make any kind of big announcement about Steve— _Captain America_ —being dead. What does that have to do with me? The Commandos already know he’s gone.”

“The Colonel is currently interrogating Zola. He is going to get the location of Hydra’s main base of operation out of him.” She glanced to the side. “One way or another.”

“After everything that bastard has done, he deserves to be strung up and gutted.”

Carter sighed. “Yes, well… Once we have the location, we are going to lead a massive assault with the goal of ending Hydra, once and for all.” She looked at Bucky and held his gaze for a moment. “And the troops need to see Captain America leading the charge.” She paused, letting that sink in. “They’ve never really cared or known who was under the mask, so…”

“Oh, hell no.” Bucky shook his head and pushed himself back from the table so he could stand up. “You mean me, don’t you? You want _me_ to put on Steve’s uniform and lead soldiers?” He shook his head and turned away. “Are you crazy? I’m no Captain America…”

“It makes sense. You knew Steve better than anyone. And you spent more time fighting alongside him than any other Howling Commando. You could pull it off.”

Bucky shook his head again. “Aside from the fact that I hated all that propaganda bullshit they made Steve do, I just can’t. I’m not…” He turned to place his hands on the back of the chair he’d been sitting in. “ _Steve_ was Captain America. I can’t just take his place. I can’t be Captain America.”

“James,” Carter said softly, which made him lift his head to look at her. It wasn’t any easier for her to ask this of him than it was for him to consider the proposal. He could see that in her eyes. “Right now, the war… the world needs a Captain America. We both knew Steve Rogers embodied everything that was Captain America. And the Howling Commandos knew. But like you said, Steve is _gone_.” Maybe she wasn’t aware of it, but a single tear slid down her cheek, which was probably the closest anyone had ever seen the stoic Agent Peggy Carter come to crying. “Someone has to take his place. If it’s not you, then…”

“No,” Bucky said quickly. “No. That title and that shield belong to Steve. I won’t let anyone else wield it.”

Carter looked at him. “Then will you?”

“Damnit…” Bucky mumbled. He dropped back into the chair again. “Only so no one else will.” He leaned toward her. “And only for this last mission. This is it. We destroy Hydra.” He looked away. “And then I’m done…”

“Understood…” Out of the corner of his eye, he could see her shift like she was hesitating, but then she reached out and placed her hand over his on the table.

He looked at her in surprise, but he didn’t move his hand.

“And you won’t be alone…”

 

_Bucky stared down at the card in his hands. Maybe he should have put more thought into this before just doing it. But it was too late to go back now. He’d gone into the enlistment center, and was deemed fit for service. So he was going to report for basic training, and then be shipped off to fight in the war._

_He unlocked the door of the apartment he and Steve shared and walked in. “Steve?” he called. Steve should’ve been home by now, but he wasn’t always consistent what with the fights he always got in._

_“In here,” Steve’s voice said from the kitchen. He sounded morose._

_So Bucky was prepared to find him trying to patch himself up. But when he stepped into the doorway of the kitchen, he saw Steve was perfectly fine. He sat at the old, rickety wooden table, with his sketchbook open in front of him. But he wasn’t looking at it. Instead, he held the exact same card in his hands. Except, where Bucky’s said, “IA,” Steve’s said, “4F.”_

_“You tried to enlist?” Bucky asked before he could stop his mouth._

_Steve looked up at him in surprise, probably because there was a hard edge to the question. “Why are you angry? They said every able-bodied man. Of course I had to try.”_

_“You’re not able-bodied! Steve, you get sick every winter. You have asthma! And a heart condition! If you went over there, you’d_ die _. Don’t you care about stuff like that?”_

_Steve’s eyes traced his face, but then they dropped back down to the card in his hands. “Well, don't worry. Someone agreed with you. Called me unfit for service.”_

_“At least someone has some sense.”_

_Steve glanced at him, but then he saw the card dangling from Bucky’s fingers. Before Bucky had a chance to react, he snatched it out of Bucky’s hand and pushed himself to his feet. “Are you kidding?” He stared at the card. “You actually enlisted? And you’re giving me grief?”_

_“I…”_

_“So you’re going over there?” Steve looked up at him._

_“Yeah, I am.”_

_“Then you’ve got to understand why that’s where I need to be.”_

_“Steve, just because there’s a fight somewhere, doesn’t mean you have to join it!” He took the card back and tossed it on the table._

_“But you do?” He balled his hands into fists and tried to stand as tall as he could. But he was still a whole head shorter than Bucky. “We’re supposed to be in things together. But you’re going to go over there without me?”_

_“I’m going to go over there because it’s my duty to. To keep punks like you safe.”_

_“I don’t need to be kept safe. I want to help my country!”_

_“And I want you to stay alive!” He put his hands on Steve’s shoulders and stared right down into his eyes. “Me, I’m expendable. You could change the world if you set your mind to it.”_

_Steve’s gaze softened. He looked away, but he didn’t move out from under Bucky’s hold. “You’re not expendable, Bucky… Don’t think that.”_

_“Well, I have a better chance of survival.”_

_Steve looked up at him again. This time, there was fear in his eyes. “You better survive.”_

_ “Don’t worry.” Bucky slowly lowered his hands. “I’ll come back in one piece.” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was really a toss-up on whether I would finish this story first or another story I'm working on. For a while, both were really close to being done, but then I got the bug for this one more. (Finally getting the Civil War trailer helped.) I'm one of those people who likes to completely finish a fic before posting anything. So this is complete, I'm just posting it in chunks.


	2. Chapter 2

“I’m not sure about this…” Bucky said as he crammed the blue helmet down onto his head. Stark had spent the few days before the attack adjusting one of Steve’s spare uniforms so it would fit Bucky. And it did fit. But it still felt uncomfortable. He wanted his own uniform. He wanted to do his own job as a sniper. But instead, he had to play at being Captain America.

Carter looked at him. She wore boots and pants and a bomber jackets, ready for the attack as well. She even carried a rifle on her shoulder. “With the helmet on, no one can tell you’re not Steve.” She glanced around at the other Commandos, who were the only people near-by. “Except for us.”

“That’s not what I mean.” Bucky glanced at her, and then looked down at Steve’s bike. Stark had also fixed that up with more tricks that were sure to give Hydra hell.

“I know,” Carter said quietly.

Bucky tapped his fingers on the leather seat of the bike. “He should be here, leading this mission.” He shook his head. “I’m going to make Schmidt pay. I swear I will.” He swung his leg over the bike and took a seat.

“Be careful, James.” Carter gently placed her hand on his shoulder to get his attention. “Steve wouldn’t want you to die while finishing his mission.”

Bucky glanced at her. “One thing about us, we rarely ever got what we wanted.” He revved the engine and took off before she could try to say anything else to him. Bucky wasn’t planning on dying today, but he also had no particular interest in living. So his own survival was the last thing on his mind. Instead, he only focused on the thought of getting the mission done, of stopping Hydra and killing Schmidt. If he lived through that, great. If he didn’t, it wouldn’t bother him too much.

They’d come up with a plan that involved him storming the Hydra base right through the front doors to create a big enough opening that the rest of the troops would be able to come in later. Schmidt had a personal grudge against Steve because he had been the recipient of Erskine’s perfected super soldier serum. Bucky had seen that grudge first hand. So if Schmidt thought Bucky was Steve, they knew he’d want to capture him and kill him himself.

And sure enough, that’s exactly what happened. Bucky was actually impressed with the amount of destruction he was able to cause before he was captured. It helped that Stark had rigged the bike with explosives, which allowed Bucky to send it into the main gate as a bomb on wheels. His sniper aim came in handy when it came to tossing the shield around too.

They dragged him up to the top floor of the base, deep in the mountain and pushed him in front of Schmidt. Bucky couldn’t help the hatred that burned in his eyes as he looked at the red-faced bastard.

“Arrogance may not be a uniquely American trait,” Schmidt said as he walked over from the picturesque window, “but I must say you do it better than anyone.” He stopped in front of Bucky and the smirk dropped of his face. He narrowed his eyes in suspicion. “Remove his helmet!” he shouted at one of the guards holding Bucky.

The guard found the clasp under his chin and yanked the helmet off. Even though he was grossly outnumbered and restrained, Bucky couldn’t help but smirk. “I probably should apologize for the helmet hair. It normally looks better than this.”

“You! You are one of those… American dogs.”

“I’m glad to see you remember me,” Bucky continued.

So Schmidt punched him hard in the face, and then socked him in the gut, which made him drop to his knees, because yeah, that hurt. Even if he only had an incomplete version of the super soldier serum, the guy was still incredibly strong. “Where is the real Captain America?”

Bucky spat out blood from where he’d cut the inside of his cheek on his teeth. “Sorry. He couldn’t make it.” He raised his head to glare at Schmidt again. “You get me.”

“Then you are the one who will die.” He pulled out his sidearm and pointed it at Bucky’s head.

Three successive thunks were heard and Schmidt turned toward the window to see three of the Howling Commandos sliding down lines toward them.

“I should mention I’m expecting company.” Bucky couldn’t help one last quip. He rammed into the guard to his side, which caused the guy to fall over in front of him just as Schmidt turned and fired at him.

Schmidt didn’t get a chance to fire again, because Gabe, Dum Dum, and Monty busted through the windows and started firing. Rather than stand and fight, Schmidt took off running out of the room. Bucky scrambled to his feet to go after him.

“Barnes!” Monty called as he picked up Steve’s shield. “You might want this.” He threw the shield to Bucky, who caught it easily. Huh, imagine that.

“Thanks!” He didn’t bother to stick around. He had come here to kill Schmidt, and that was exactly what he was going to do. Not a damn thing was going to stand in his way. Not Hydra agents. Not some asshole with a flame thrower. Not a giant freaking plane.

Bucky managed to jump onto the ladder just before it retracted and the plane took off down the runway. He didn’t get a moment of respite, though, because Hydra agents were waiting for him at the top. They fought their way around the bomb bay until he’d either kicked every single one of them out of the plane or he’d shot them dead.

On his way up to the bridge, he snagged a new gun and held it ready as he carefully opened the door. The place looked deserted, until Schmidt fired one of those monstrous energy weapons at him. Luckily, the shield could absorb the blast.

“Just give up, American! Captain America should have known better than to send someone else in his place!” He fired again, so Bucky ducked around behind one of the metal girders.

“Hey, buddy!” Bucky yelled around the side, just before he fired his own gun. Schmidt ducked and the bullet just went out the glass window. “For right now, I _am_ Captain America!”

“Oh, I see!” Schmidt actually laughed and fired again, even though he didn’t have a shot at all. “It is because the other one, the one with Erskine’s serum, is _dead_ , isn’t he?”

Bucky saw red. In probably what was an incredibly stupid move, he ran around the other side of the beam with the shield raised and rammed into Schmidt, knocking the giant gun out of his hands. They crashed into the controls, which made the plane turn down in a nosedive that sent them both sprawling. It was lucky, then, that Schmidt was able to right it again, but it did leave Bucky hiding again, without the shield, as he’d lost it in the scuffle.

“You are no one, American. Your Captain America and I, we had the power of gods!” He fired at Bucky, which made him duck back to avoid getting incinerated. “Only he was too blind to see it.”

“He wasn’t a god!” Bucky shouted around the beam. “He was a soldier.” He glanced to the side, and then made a run for the shield, which was lying in the center of the floor. He managed to grab it and lift it just in time, because another blast crashed into it. “You’re just insane!”

“We’ll see!” Schmidt fired again.

Bucky waited to absorb the blast, then he threw the shield as hard as he could, harder than he ever had before. It crashed into Schmidt’s chest and sent him flying back against the central device, which made the thing spark and backfire, and expel the blue cube.

“No! What have you done?” Schmidt grabbed up the cube. More blue electricity erupted, and then the roof disappeared as a starry sky appeared above them. In the next moment, Schmidt started screaming and seemed to disintegrate into the void above him. The opening closed, and the cube fell to the floor, where it burned a hole straight through the metal hull. Bucky watched it drop into the ocean, then he ran for the console.

He didn’t know a lot about planes. But what he could gather wasn’t good. He didn’t know how to fly. He didn’t know how to turn off the autopilot. He didn’t know how to disengage the bombs. But he did know what made a plane go down. With that realization, he knew he had to at least try to contact the SSR first. So he turned on the radio and hoped the other Commandos had done their job.

“Come in, this is Sergeant Barnes,” he said into the radio. “Do you read me?”

“ _James!_ ” Carter said into the radio, which surprised him.

“Carter?” Bucky asked. She actually sounded concerned and everything. “Schmidt’s dead!” he said, getting to the point.

“ _What about the plane?_ ” she asked calmly.

Bucky glanced down at the controls again. “This plane isn’t stopping slowly. I can’t control the damn thing. And it’s heading for New York.”

“ _Give me your coordinates. I can get Howard on the line. He’ll know what to do._ ”

Bucky sighed. “Peggy,” he said slowly, which made her stop. He’d never called her by her first name either. “I’ve got to put it in the water. That’s the only way to stop it before it kills thousands of people.”

“ _Wait. James, wait. Give us a moment. We can figure this out._ ” Her voice was strained. She was worried. About him. How strange.

“There’s no waiting.” He paused. “It’s okay. I’m okay with this.”

“ _No, James. Steve wouldn’t want you to sacrifice yourself._ ”

Bucky laughed, but it wasn’t malicious at all. “Come on, Peggy. You know if Steve were in my position, he’d do the exact same thing.” His eyes drifted down. “You wanted me to be Captain America, so I’m being Captain America.” When there was no more protest from Peggy, he took that as her silent acknowledgement. So he pushed down on the controls, which made the plane turn into another nosedive.

“Hey, Peggy…” he said after a moment.

“ _Yes, James?_ ” Her voice sounded so quiet compared to the sound of the rushing wind.

“I’ve got a favor to ask of you.”

“ _A last request of sorts?_ ”

“Yeah, something like that.” He kept his eyes glued on the ice and water quickly approaching him, mindful that he didn’t have much time left. “I want you to find Steve’s… find Steve’s body. We know where he fell. Win the war, and it won’t be enemy territory anymore. Find Steve’s body and give him a proper burial, with all the honors he deserves. Do that for me.”

“ _Of course…_ ” Carter actually sounded a bit weepy, but that was probably just because he’d brought up Steve again.

“And don’t tell anyone he died before this mission. Don’t tell anyone about me taking over. I want everyone to remember him. He’s the real hero.”

“ _You’re sacrificing yourself to save thousands. James, you’re a hero too._ ”

“Nah. You should have seen him before, Peggy. He was always a hero, even before he became Captain America. And no one noticed him. So I want to make sure he’s remembered.”

“ _James…_ ” Peggy said sadly. “ _He would be proud of you. Whether you admit it or not, you are just as much Captain America today._ ”

The wind rushing through the broken window made his eyes water. He felt the tears slide along the sides of his head and into his hair. But they were just from the wind. The blank white expanse of ice was so close now. He could only think of one last thing to say. “God, I wish I could see him one last—”

 

_This wasn’t how he wanted to end things. He didn’t want to ship off to war where he would not see Steve for years, or potentially ever again, with this tension left between them. Maybe he shouldn’t have gotten in an argument when he found Steve trying to enlist again, but he’d had it. Steve could never just do the safe thing. If Bucky knew Steve was also in the war, fighting, he’d never be able to stop worrying. Cause he had no doubt Steve would die over there._

_He’d meant to spend the night with Connie, probably mostly dancing, though he could tell she was up for more. But he was distracted. So after only another couple hours, he excused himself by saying he did have to ship out early. Then he went home. Because he had to talk to Steve one more time before he left._

_Steve was surprised to see him. And the first thing out of his mouth was, “Are you drunk?”_

_“No.” Bucky carefully took his hat off and set it on the table._

_“Then what are you doing back here?” Steve walked over to him. Bucky was surprised to see he hadn’t been sketching or anything, he’d just been sitting there. “Shouldn’t you be out seducing that what’s-her-name?” God, he sounded so bitter. Bucky felt really bad for trying to set him up again in what turned out to be an awful double date._

_He sighed. “No. I had to come talk to you again. I couldn’t leave things like that before shipping out.”_

_Steve seemed surprised. But then he looked away guiltily. “You shouldn’t have come back just for that. We’re good, Bucky. I know you’re just worried. And I…”_

_“And you will do anything to try to get yourself killed!”_

_Steve looked back at him. “That’s not what this is about! I can’t just… do nothing.”_

_“Stevie.” Bucky used the old nickname. He reached out and put his hands on Steve’s shoulders. “It doesn’t matter what enlistment center you go to. I know you’re tough, but your body can’t handle it. Promise me you’ll stop trying to enlist, okay?”_

_Steve looked up at him. He looked like he was considering something. He bit his lower lip, and Bucky’s eyes were drawn down to the action. Finally, he said, “Okay…”_

_Bucky sighed in relief and smiled. “Thank you. It’s bad enough I gotta worry about you getting in fights with the few assholes left in Brooklyn without worrying about you potentially joining the war.” He really should remove his hands, now that he’d gotten that promise out of Steve, but he kept standing close._

_“You don’t have to worry about me, Bucky.”_

_“Yes, I do.” Instead, he moved closer. “Steve, you’re the most important thing in my life. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you…”_

_Steve looked up and met his eyes. “I’ll be okay. Promise.”_

_“Good.” Bucky watched his own actions like he had no control over them. He didn’t really make the decision to move his hands from Steve’s shoulders. He gently took Steve’s face in his hands and looked at him for a moment before he leaned down and kissed him softly. His brain clicked in that moment because he realized his whole life had been leading up to this. He should’ve realized years ago that he was in love with Steve._

_He pulled back after a moment and dropped his hands. Steve hadn't moved at all while Bucky kissed him, and his eyes were wide as dinner plates. “I'm sorry!” Bucky said quickly, suddenly scared he had just royally fucked up. “That was… I just…”_

_Steve grabbed the front of his jacket with both hands and dragged him down into another kiss. Their teeth clacked together because Bucky hadn’t been expecting it at all. He stumbled slightly and had to prop his hand against the wall behind Steve, which was luckily there. If it hadn’t been, they would have gone crashing down. But Bucky was able to catch himself, and took advantage of having the wall there to push Steve back against it and chase the awkward kiss with one that was much deeper._

_In between kisses, Steve muttered, “Have no… idea… how long… been wanting… to do that…”_

_Bucky chuckled around the kiss and looped his other arm around Steve’s waist, keeping him close. Steve hadn’t let go of the lapels of Bucky’s jacket the whole time. Bucky slid his lips along Steve’s jaw and peppered kisses along the side of his face and down his neck. “You have any idea how long_ I’ve _wanted to do that?” He pressed Steve completely up against the wall. “Since at least puberty…”_

_Steve’s eyes fluttered closed as breathless little moans escaped his mouth. “Since before then…” He moved one arm around Bucky’s shoulders as Bucky sucked on the side of his neck._

_“Yeah, since before…” Bucky kissed Steve again, hard, pressing up against his smaller body as he did so._

_“We’re idiots…” Steve almost laughed when they pulled back for air._

_“We’re huge idiots…” Bucky had enough of the height difference. He hoisted Steve up against the wall so they were more on the same level and Steve automatically wrapped his legs around Bucky’s waist._

_Steve ran one hand through Bucky’s hair repeatedly and he used the other to hold onto Bucky’s shoulder and pull him into another open-mouthed kiss. Bucky gripped Steve’s leg tighter and barely kept himself from grinding into Steve._

_“We’re going straight to hell…” Bucky muttered, but he didn’t stop kissing Steve._

_“That’s not going to stop me from going after what I want anymore…” Steve pulled his face close and kissed him sweetly. “Not tonight.”_

_Bucky pulled back slightly and finally looked Steve in the eyes. “You sure about this? I mean, it’s supposed to be… wrong, isn’t it?”_

_Steve smiled and tenderly cupped Bucky’s face in his hand. “Says who? People who don’t know. I’m more sure about this than anything in my whole life. Cause I’m absolutely sure I’m in love with you.”_

_Bucky smiled and turned his head to kiss the inside of Steve’s wrist. “How’s a guy supposed to follow something like that?” He looked back at Steve seriously and moved his hand to touch the side of Steve’s neck so he could kiss him. It was none of the heat from earlier, but all passion. He pulled back so he could look in Steve’s impossibly blue eyes again. “I love you too.”_

_ Steve smiled and pushed Bucky back slightly so he could drop his feet back to the floor. He leaned up and kissed Bucky once, chastely. “Then who cares what anyone else thinks? This is more important than any of that. Cause you’re leaving tomorrow.” He took Bucky’s hand and tugged him toward his bedroom. He dropped down on the bed and pulled Bucky with him. Bucky was happy to go. Steve paused to look up at him before pulling him into another kiss. “And I don’t want to regret anything.” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because I haven't rewritten _that_ scene half a dozen times. (Which means I totally have Steve and Peggy's dialog from the movie memorized.) Much as I love Bucky, and much as I love Sebastian Stan, even for his few minutes of screen time, I've got to say that radio conversation is my favorite scene in the movie.


	3. Chapter 3

Bucky hadn’t expected to wake up after all that. He crashed that plane comfortable in the knowledge that he was going to his death, that he wouldn’t have to live in a world that didn’t have Steve Rogers in it. Unfortunately for him, he woke up. And just to add misery to misfortune, not only did he wake up. But he woke up nearly seventy years later. Every single person he’d known, save one, was dead. It was so much worse than just living in a world without Steve. He now had to live in a world that wasn’t his.

One thing that was better, though, was how easy it was to procure alcohol. He had discovered that if he downed enough of the hard stuff, fast enough, that he could actually get buzzed. But it would fade quickly. Still, he spent most nights chasing that buzz, rather than sleep. He felt like he’d slept enough for an entire lifetime or two. And besides, every time he slept, he dreamt of Steve falling. It seemed after seventy years on ice, that particular memory hadn’t faded at all.

It turned out he actually did have some version of the super soldier serum in his blood, from his time spent as a POW and a test subject of Hydra. Or so SHIELD had told him when he’d woken up. It certainly explained how he survived all those years being frozen, and why he could no longer get drunk. Not that he didn’t try.

Bucky leaned forward on the bar and downed another shot. He heard someone approach and stop beside him, but he didn’t look up.

“Looks like you’re spending your time in the 21st century enjoying the vast selection of alcohol available.”

Bucky held up his shot glass, but didn’t look at Nick Fury. “Gotta say, I really like vodka.” He poured himself another shot and downed it in one go.

“You wouldn’t have been saying that thirty years ago.” Fury didn’t take a seat or move.

“You mean that whole thing with Russia?” Bucky leaned back so he could finally turn to look at him. “The Cold War?”

“Yeah, that thing with Russia.” Fury looked like he was amused, but he wasn’t smiling.

“Hey, I haven’t spent all my time trying to get drunk. I read up on the history I missed.” Bucky’s eyes dropped to the manila folder in Fury’s hands. “Let me guess. The world needs saving again?”

“Actually, yes.” Fury finally took at seat on the bar stool next to Bucky. He raised his hand and the bartender, who was by now long-suffering of Bucky, came over with another glass. Fury poured himself a shot of Bucky’s vodka, but he didn’t drink it. He waited for the bartender to wander off again before he slid the folder towards Bucky.

Bucky picked it up a bit tentatively. He flipped it open to reveal a large photo of the Tesseract. And it was a recent photo. He frowned down at the picture and quickly flipped through the rest of the pages.

“Howard Stark fished that out of the ocean.” Fury watched him. “He was looking for you.”

Bucky had heard about that. They had launched expeditions to try to find the downed plane shortly after the war had ended. As Carter had promised, they had also tried to find Steve’s body. But snow and ice were impossible, it seemed. They couldn’t even find a giant plane in the Atlantic, so there was no way they could find one body in the mountains. But none of the reports had mentioned they’d found that damn cube. Bucky wondered why, until now, they’d tried to keep that from him. Were they worried he would have told them to chuck it back in the ocean?

“It could be the source of unlimited energy,” Fury continued. “That is something the world sorely needs.”

Bucky barely restrained himself from rolling his eyes. Yeah, he’d seen the kind of energy that thing could put out. And he had a feeling SHIELD wasn’t only interested in turning on a few lights. He knew exactly what Stark would’ve tried if he got his hands on the Tesseract. He flipped the folder closed and slid it across the bar back towards Fury. “Okay. So who took it from you?”

Fury picked up the folder. “He’s called Loki.” The corner of his mouth twitched up in half a smile. “He’s not from around here.”

“Right.” Bucky went back to his drink.

“Barnes. We could really use Captain America on this.”

“And I told you.” Bucky set the glass down and turned to look at Fury. “I’m not Captain America.”

“Not according to how we found you in the ice, and old history books.”

Bucky scowled at him. He’d read about that. Even though he’d specifically told Carter not to mention he took over as Captain America at the end, after the war, and after many records were released to the public, she made it known he had put on the uniform and stopped Hydra. Steve was still the main Cap for the war, but there was an aside about him in most history books. He was not happy about that. 

“Look, I only did that because Steve couldn’t. And Hydra had to be stopped. No one has to think Captain America is still alive now. So there’s no point in me putting that uniform on again.” Bucky splashed vodka in his glass with more force than he intended, so it splashed on the bartop. 

“Seems like the world could use a Captain America. Know any other super soldiers who could do it?”

Bucky glared at him over the rim of his glass. “Next you’re going to be telling me that you’ll just find someone else, super soldier or not, to carry the shield.”

“That’s not a bad suggestion.”

Bucky poured himself a double and took his time drinking it before he finally looked at Fury again. “You know, that’s how Carter got me to put on the uniform in the first place, by threatening to give it to someone else. Cause I don’t want to be Captain America, but hell if I’m going to let anyone else do it. Especially someone who didn’t even know the original.”

Fury watched him calmly and didn’t say anything.

So Bucky groaned and ran his fingers through his hair. “Okay.  _ Fine _ . I’ll be Captain America.” He pointed at Fury. “But I’m not wearing Steve’s uniform again. If I’m doing this, it needs to be totally different.”

Fury had that expression again like he was amused. “Good thing we took care of that already.”

“You made a uniform even though you didn’t know if I would say yes?”

Fury stood up and tucked the folder under his arm. “I knew you’d say yes.”

Bucky looked up at him and frowned. “How?”

“Cause, no matter how you try to deny it, you and Steve Rogers were cut from the same cloth. You wouldn’t let your personal problems get in the way of doing what’s right. That’s why you can be Captain America.” He turned to head out.

Bucky glanced down. “What about your drink?”

Fury looked over his shoulder. “I have a feeling you’ll enjoy it more.” And then he walked away.

Bucky sighed and picked up the other glass. He looked at it for a moment before he downed it. Oh well, back into the fray, it seemed.

 

_ Most soldiers carried pictures of their girls back home. Bucky had a picture of him and Steve from one particularly beautiful summer day at Coney Island. Like the other guys, he would take it out and stare at it on his down time. He remembered that day. They really couldn’t afford to spend their money on something like a trip to Coney Island. But they went anyway. After the picture was taken, Bucky had convinced Steve to ride the Cyclone, which made him throw up. He was angry at Bucky the whole rest of the day, until Bucky bought them ice cream and they went to the water to watch fireworks. _

_ Bucky thought about that day whenever he took out the picture to look at it. They both smiled at the camera, and Bucky had his arm around Steve’s shoulders, pulling him close around the neck. They looked like two good friends goofing off. That’s why Bucky liked the picture. He also thought about waking up on the morning he shipped out whenever he looked at this picture. _

_ Waking up in Steve’s bed hadn’t been that unusual. He’d done it many times before on particularly cold nights when he would climb into bed behind Steve and wrap him up in his arms to keep him warm because they had no heat. He had enjoyed those nights more than he should’ve. It just took him a while to figure out why. _

_ But that morning was so much better than any of the others, and so much more bittersweet. Because they could have been doing that for years, and instead only did it on their last night together in what would definitely be a long time. So Bucky held Steve close and kissed all over his face before he finally let their foreheads rest against each other.  _

_ “I love you…” he had whispered, so quiet, still unable to believe he was allowed to say that. _

_ Steve opened his eyes so he could look at him. And then he smiled sadly. “I love you too…” He reached up and threaded his fingers through Bucky’s hair, before pulling him down into a slow, lingering kiss. “Don’t die over there, okay?” Steve had said. _

_ “Don’t worry. I’ll make damn sure we see each other again.” _

_ That was why, now as he pulled out the picture and looked it at, he repeated that morning and that promise to himself. He slumped back against the bars of the cell he shared with the other POWs. Everyone was exhausted. The work those Hydra bastards put them through was grueling and they barely fed them scraps of anything. Still, Bucky had to hope they’d make it out of there. It was the only thing he had left. _

_ Most of the men had succumb to despair, so it was up to Bucky to keep them moving. He kept having to tell them, "You don't want to die here." He kept that up until one morning when they weren't herded out of their cages. _

_ Instead one of the scientists walked through with his Hydra guards. He looked in each of the cages and then stopped in front of the one that held Bucky and men from his unit. He turned to mumble something in German to one of the guards, and they unlocked the cage and grabbed Bucky before he had a chance to react. He weakly struggled to no avail, before one of the guards knocked him on the back of the head with his stick. Just before he passed out, he made a promise to himself that no matter what they did to him, he would never scream or lose hope. He didn't keep either promise. _

 

Bucky wove through traffic effortlessly on his bike. He really should have been wearing a helmet, but no one was going to give Captain America a ticket. He'd just come back from a mission that had him jumping out of a quinjet and throwing people off a ship. A motorcycle crash wasn't going to kill him.

He pulled up to his apartment building and was almost unsurprised to see Natasha Romanoff standing in his doorway. He took his time parking the bike and walking up to the door. He didn't look at her, but he still let her in.

"Surprised you're here," he commented as he set the shield down against a bookcase.

"Well you did take off for Fury's office as soon as we landed," she said as she followed him. "Did you even bother to change out of your uniform first?"

Bucky glanced at her. "I wanted answers."

“Did you get any?” She stayed near the door and watched him.

“Not the ones I wanted.”

Natasha hesitated for a moment, and then said, “Look, Bucky…”

“Forget it.” He came to stand in front of her. “I know what this is. I wouldn’t expect the Black Widow to spill mission secrets.”

She frowned, but then she moved forward and ran her hands up his chest. “You seemed quite pissed off at me.” She ghosted her lips along his neck.

In response, Bucky pushed her back against the door. “I can’t exactly get mad at you for following orders.” He moved his mouth to the side of her neck. “Even if I don’t agree with them.” He lifted her legs so he could hike her up against the door. She wrapped her legs around his waist and pulled him into a long, lingering kiss. 

“Making me sound like a mindless drone.” She ran her fingers through his hair and then yanked his shirt over his head.

“You’re a good operative, Natasha.” He found the edges of her leather jacket and pushed it off her shoulders. She was only wearing a tank top underneath, so he peppered kisses along her bare shoulder. “Good operatives follow orders. Like not telling your commanding officer about your side mission.”

Natasha pulled back to give him a hard look. “That’s cold, James.”

“So is potentially jeopardizing my mission.” He didn’t stop undressing her. 

“So you did expect me to tell you.” Her fingers traced along his skin until they reached his waist and she unbuckled his belt. “Because of this?”

“This,” he emphasized the word as he licked along her bare collarbone, “is just sex.” He tugged her jeans off, but had to set her back down to do so. Immediately after that, he grabbed her to move them to the bedroom. “I don’t expect anything from this.”

She pulled him down onto the bed on top of her as she worked at removing his jeans as well. “Good,” she said, and her voice was hard.

But he really didn’t care. He needed the release, and the break. He was tired of the lies and secrets. So if they didn’t speak, he wouldn’t have to hear them. It was true that he didn’t expect anything from their relationship, for lack of a better word.

When he’d first met Natasha Romanoff, two years ago, he’d thought for sure she was sleeping with Clint Barton. When he finally asked about that, she laughed outright and told him there was no way that would ever happen. But she didn’t explain why. He was pretty sure Clint wasn’t gay. He thought he’d know. So it had to be something else. Since he and Natasha ran so many missions together in SHIELD, somehow this thing had developed between them, sex after assignments. 

But she wasn’t Steve. She wasn’t a replacement for Steve. He’d never stopped being attracted to women. He wasn’t faking it when he’d gone with all those girls back home. But there was something special about Steve. He’d been in love with Steve, still was even after all this time. And if wrapping himself in Natasha’s embrace could chase away the pain that gnawed at his chest, he’d take it. But he didn’t love her.

At the very least, he trusted her, and he thought she trusted him, or had. Now he wasn’t so sure. It wasn’t that he thought Fury would turn against him, but if it came down to it, he didn’t want to see if she’d side with him or SHIELD. Tony Stark had made it abundantly clear that he didn’t trust SHIELD. While Bucky was a soldier, trained to follow orders, he was starting to think Tony had a valid point.

But then, Stark was a whole other can of worms. If Barton hadn’t attacked the Helicarrier when he did, Bucky might have actually started beating the shit out of Stark. Not only was he talking smack about Bucky, but he had started insulting  _ Steve _ , too, a guy he’d never met. They’d found out later it was all the power of the Tesseract riling them up. But those words didn’t come from nowhere. And no, they had very much not dealt with it after the fact. Tony had put out the offer for them to create a permanent team. The Avengers, Earth’s mightiest heroes. But he, Barton, and Natasha went back to SHIELD. Thor went back to Asgard. And Tony went crazy at Christmas.

Bucky sat on the edge of the bed a little later, just staring out the window. On the other side of the room, Natasha quietly got dressed. “You’re brooding,” she commented.

“Not brooding,” he said. “Just contemplating.”

He could hear Natasha look over at him, but she didn’t ask for him to elaborate.

“I’m considering going to that Smithsonian exhibit they put together.”

Natasha snorted. “You’re a masochist, Barnes. And not even in a fun way.”

He looked over his shoulder at her. “I’m not a masochist.”

“Oh  yes you are.” She shrugged on her jacket and flipped her hair over the collar. “You’re going to go to that exhibit to torture yourself. To see all those things you lost when you went in the ice.” Maybe he was imagining it, but it almost looked like her eyes softened slightly. “And to read about Steve Rogers.”

Maybe Natasha was sharper than he knew. She had seen him defend Steve’s name before. Maybe she put two and two together. But he kept his face neutral as he looked at her. “Gotta make sure they haven’t butchered the Captain America story.” He rose and went looking for his pants.

“Sure.” She watched him. “Well, don’t come crying to me if you get all mopey.”

“Don’t worry. I know you’re allergic to real emotions.” He pulled a new shirt on and just made out the frown on her face before it was gone.

“Yeah, yeah,” she said, instead, the proper reaction to the joke. She turned for the door. “I’ll see you around, Bucky.”

“Hopefully I get at least a day before the next mission,” he yelled at her as she walked out the door. He heard a short, sharp laugh in response, and then she was gone.

She was probably right. He was torturing himself by going to the exhibit, but that wasn’t going to stop him. And if he spent too long in front of the display that read “America’s First Super Soldier,” no one was going to notice. 

 

_ This was it. Bucky had officially gone crazy. Because it just couldn’t, couldn’t be Steve’s face that was looking down at him. It couldn’t be Steve’s bright eyes, and Steve’s voice saying “Bucky! Oh my god…” _

_ And when he tore off the straps and got Bucky back on his feet, it still couldn’t be Steve. Because his face was all wrong. It was Steve and yet it wasn’t. His face was filled out, and well-defined, and he just  _ towered _ over Bucky. But god if those eyes weren’t the same as they looked at Bucky with so much care. _

_ His hand came to rest of Bucky’s cheek and he said, “I thought you were dead.” _

_ Really, Bucky should have said something sensitive to that. He should’ve assured Steve he was okay, even though he wasn’t. He was very far from okay. Even though the pain was gone, he could feel it lingering under the surface, just waiting to light fire to his veins again. Any moment Zola or one of his assistants was going to walk through the door, and this would be all a hallucination, and he would still be strapped to that table. _

_ So he said, “I thought you were smaller.” _

_ But Steve just smiled and leaned forward to rest his forehead against Bucky’s briefly, before he wrapped his arm around him and helped him out of the room, as Bucky had done for him on so many occasions after back-alley fights. It was so jarring. Steve was practically able to carry Bucky, and without even trying. _

_ He listened as Steve explained what he’d signed up for, and what’d been done to him. Bucky interjected with comments where he was supposed to. He wanted so much to be mad at Steve, for taking that kind of risk. But he just couldn’t. It had turned out alright for him, and it was thanks to the procedure that he was here now, saving Bucky from this hellhole. Besides, he finally had a body that could keep up with his fighting spirit. Bucky got to see that in action firsthand when he watched Steve sock that Hydra nazi bastard. _

_ They got out of the factory just as the whole thing blew. He made it about three steps out of the gate, just far enough for Gabe and Dum Dum to see him and rush over to make sure he was okay, before his legs gave out. Luckily, Steve was there to catch him and steady him to the ground. _

_ “We thought you were dead, Sarge!” Dum Dum said as he passed him a canteen they’d swiped from some Hydra supplies. “You should’ve seen when Captain America here came busting in.” _

_ Bucky looked up at Steve questioningly. “Captain America?” he repeated. _

_ Steve shuffled his feet and avoided Bucky’s gaze. “I’ll tell you later.” _

_ Bucky didn’t get long to rest, because they had to get back to the Allied line. Half their soldiers were wounded, but they had managed to steal an impressive cache of weapons and supplies from the Hydra factory before it blew. Once Bucky got more food and water in him, he actually felt much better, surprisingly better considering the shit he’d been through. _

_ When Steve finally called a halt for the night, Bucky looked at him with an expectant expression. So Steve directed people to keep watch and then lead Bucky to a semi-secluded spot away from prying eyes, behind a large tree.  _

_ The moment Bucky was sure they were alone, and out of anyone’s line of sight, he surged forward and kissed Steve hard, but just once. “Tell me everything,” he said. _

_ So Steve explained about the USO shows, and trying to sell bonds, and how that lead him to the front lines. He told Bucky about how he reacted when he found out the 107th had mostly all been killed or captured, and that he, Bucky, was presumed dead. _

_ When Steve told him how someone named Peggy Carter and Howard Stark—yes,  _ that _ Howard Stark—helped him sneak across the lines to find the factory where the POWs were being held, Bucky huffed out a laugh in exasperation. “You went AWOL for  _ me _? You did all that just to find me?” _

_ “Of course I did, Buck,” Steve said like it was the most obvious thing in the world. He gently slid his hand along Bucky’s cheek and pulled him close. “I will always come for you. I love you.” _

_ Bucky had forgotten how sweet that sounded after all the horrors he’d gone through. Steve must have seen that in his expression, because then he took Bucky’s face in both his hands and started to softly feather kisses along Bucky’s brows, and eyelids, and cheeks, and mouth. _

_ Bucky held onto him and whispered, “Oh god, Stevie, I thought I was never going to see you again…” _

_ “I’d never let that happen.” He pulled back just enough to stare Bucky directly in the eye. “We said ‘til the end of the line. And this ride isn’t anywhere near over.” _

_ “God, I love you,” Bucky said. He grabbed fistfuls of Steve’s jacket and pulled him closer to kiss him again. In the back of his mind, he knew this was a bad idea. Anyone could walk around that tree and see them kissing. And then where would they be? Thrown out of the army? Branded as degenerates. In a minute, they would stop and rejoin the rest of the troops. But for right now, Bucky needed to feel Steve’s mouth under his. He needed grounding to tell he was alive, Steve was alive, they were alive. And they were together. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ehh... I thought about going into the Avengers, but honestly, I don't think Bucky would do things that differently from Steve. He wouldn't be so starstruck by everything, but he'd still get pissed off at Tony, and all. Besides, I've already rewritten the confrontation scene once with Bucky in it, and I will tell you it is hard to rewrite that dialog and still have it flow. And thus far, Tony and Bucky haven't met in the MCU. I can't wait to see how these two characters react to each other in Civil War.


	4. Chapter 4

They had known the Winter Soldier had taken Fury out. And they knew he was involved in this whole Hydra/Project Insight/Zola’s Algorithm thing. So they should have reasonably been expecting an attack from the assassin. But even they couldn’t have predicted that attack would come in the middle of the day, in the middle of the fucking freeway.

That’s what Bucky told himself after a grenade sent him flying off the bridge and through the window of a bus. Sure, he was a super soldier, but that still hurt like hell. And it disoriented him. He only really righted himself when bullets started coming through the underside of the downed bus. When he got outside, he found it was only regular soldiers attacking him. The Winter Soldier had gone after Natasha.

He was pretty happy Sam Wilson had decided to work with them as he took out their attackers. He’d run into the guy a few times early in the morning, because they apparently had the same kind of insomnia. Somehow, he felt like he understood the guy when he learned he’d also lost someone while in the military.

Since Sam had the other guys, Bucky took off after the Winter Soldier, who was still tracking Natasha. It was lucky Bucky found them when he did, because the assassin was about to take out Natasha. That worried him more than anything else this guy had done. He had the Black Widow looking scared.

Bucky ran at him where he stood on the roof of a car, ready to shoot Natasha. He saw Bucky at the last second and turned to punch the shield Bucky was trying to ram into his face. And god damn. Okay, yeah, he had caught the shield the other night and thrown it back at Bucky, but to stop it mid-attack with one fist like that was unreal. This guy wasn’t just strong. He was super-soldier enhanced strong.

Bucky barely had a chance to react, because the guy shoved the shield aside and kicked him off the car. He couldn’t let himself take the time to think. This guy moved way too fast for that. One second he was shooting an automatic at Bucky, and the next he was one him with a knife. It was all Bucky could do to play defense and keep from getting stabbed in the face.

He still had on the black mask he’d been wearing when Bucky had first encountered him, which covered his nose and the lower half of his face. But the goggles from earlier were gone. He must have lost them in the fight. So Bucky could see he had blue eyes. That surprised him for some reason. He supposed he expected a cold assassin like the Winter Soldier to have black eyes.

His hair was extremely close-cropped, but Bucky could tell it was blond. Blond hair and blue eyes, no wonder Hydra liked him with their whole Nazi history. The strangest thing was a weird metal contraption attached to his face. It was some kind of small metal plate that ran over his left eyebrow and down the side of his left temple. That was probably why his hair was so short. Bucky could see it was shaved away completely where the tendrils of the metal device covered the side of his head. He had no idea what that was about, but it couldn’t be good.

Finally, Bucky managed to get in a good hit and flip the Winter Soldier backwards over his shoulder onto the pavement. The Winter Soldier rolled out of the toss, but the hit to the face had taken his mask off. So when he straightened up to look at Bucky, Bucky could finally see who he was facing for the first time.

His mouth dropped open in shock and he almost let the shield slip off his arm. Because it just couldn’t be. It _couldn’t_ be. He was dead. Bucky had seen him fall. There was no way the person standing in front of him could be _Steve_.

But it couldn’t be anyone else. He’d know that face anywhere, even with changes. And that was why those blue eyes had unnerved him so much. Because they were _Steve’s_ eyes.

“Steve?” Bucky asked breathlessly.

“Who the hell is Steve?” the Winter Soldier asked in a deadpan voice as he raised yet another gun.

If Sam hadn’t come flying in, Bucky probably would have taken a bullet through the head. He was in too much shock to react quick enough. But when the Winter Soldier— _Steve_ —got back to his feet, he clearly hesitated for a moment before pulling his gun on Bucky again. Natasha chose that moment to fire a grenade at him from his own fallen grenade launcher. When the dust settled, Bucky could see Steve was gone.

He was barely aware of what happened after that. He knew STRIKE arrived on the scene to capture them. He didn’t even put up a fight. He was in too much shock. He just kept seeing over and over Steve falling off that train while reaching out for his hand. He could hear his own scream in his ears as he made one last desperate grab. He kept thinking about how Steve had disappeared into the whiteness. And he should have gone back. He should gone back for him. How could he have not gone back for Steve? Steve was everything to Bucky, and Bucky had abandoned him.

“It was Steve…” he mumbled as they sat in the back of the decked out SWAT truck.

“By Steve,” Sam started to say slowly, “you mean _Steve Rogers_ , the first Captain America.”

“It was him,” Bucky said firmly.

“How is that even possible?” Sam asked. “He died something like seventy years ago, right?”

“He fell… And he survived. He had the serum, of course he survived. Hydra must have found him and…”

“None of that is your fault, James…” Natasha said quietly in a tired voice. Bucky looked up and saw she was incredibly pale, and her shoulder was still bleeding from where Steve had shot her earlier.

Steve was pure and good and had been everything that Captain America should be. Bucky was really only a cheap imitation of his friend. He had tried every day since he came out of the ice to live up to the memory of the man he loved. And all this time, Hydra had taken that good person and twisted him into… into a deadly, heartless assassin.

Steve had saved him, a long time ago, from Hydra’s clutches. Who knows what would have happened if Steve hadn’t found him in that factory back during the war. He’d probably be dead, but it could have been worse. Instead, here he was, because Steve had saved him. So it was time for Bucky to finally return the favor. Now he had to save Steve from Hydra.

 

_They were all riding off the high of adrenaline after their first successful mission taking out a Hydra facility. When they got back to London, Dum Dum insisted they get a round of drinks at the pub. By the time everyone turned in for the night, they were all a little tipsy._

_Steve hadn't had as much to drink and Bucky blamed the adrenaline rush for the reason why the two of them were still sober. They stopped outside Steve's room, and Bucky smiled tentatively. "So that was something," he said quietly enough that they wouldn't disturb anyone else._

_Steve smiled too. "Which? The mission or the celebration after?"_

_"Both."_

_They were standing closer together than they should have in such a public place. Steve looked back and forth quickly and then he said, "Do you… want to come in...?"_

_Bucky couldn't help the smirk that came to his face. He nodded and followed Steve into his room. As soon as the door was closed, they were on each other. Bucky gripped Steve's hair tightly as he kissed him hard._

_Steve backed Bucky against the wall and pressed their bodies together. Both tried to be as quiet as possible as they started fumbling to get their clothes off._

_Steve unbuttoned Bucky’s uniform and trailed open-mouthed kisses down his chest. Bucky let his head fall back against the wall and tangled his fingers in Steve’s hair. When Steve reached his waist, he yanked Bucky’s undershirt out of his pants and unbuckled his belt. Bucky was quick to toss his uniform jacket off, followed by his undershirt._

_He dragged Steve close again and worked at getting the various straps on his Captain America uniform undone. He moaned low in his throat when Steve dipped his hand into Bucky’s pants and wrapped his fingers around him. Bucky had to turn his face into Steve’s neck to muffle the sound because he was afraid he wouldn’t be able to keep himself quiet._

_Steve chuckled, but he didn’t stop what he was doing. Instead, his hand kept moving, and he pressed Bucky against the wall with the other hand to hold him there while he went back to kissing along his bare skin._

_Bucky moved his hand back to Steve’s hair as he dropped to his knees in front of Bucky. He tangled his fingers in the short locks, and dared a glance down. That pretty much did him in right there. Steve smirked up at him and yanked his pants down more. Then his mouth replaced his hand and Bucky had to bite his lip hard to keep from moaning too loudly. They never even made it to the bed. Not until much later._

_Bucky could seriously get used to spending their time after missions like this._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What you've been waiting for...
> 
> Sorry this one is kinda short. I wasn't sure really where to cut it up at this point, and I didn't want to combine this with the next chapter cause it's pretty long.


	5. Chapter 5

Bucky stood with his forearms resting on the handrails of the bridge that crossed over the dam where Fury had been holed up. He hung his head low, lost in his thoughts.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Natasha approach him. She stopped a few feet away, with her stance wide and her arms straight at her sides, like she was preparing for a fight.

"James," she said softly, her tone of voice completely at odds with her posture.

Bucky turned his head to look at her.

"He's going to be there."

Bucky sighed and straightened up completely. "I know," he said.

Natasha watched him. "What are you planning to do?"

"Whatever I have to."

"Are you talking about the plan, or about saving Steve Rogers?"

He stared straight back at her. "Both."

That made her sigh and loosen her stance. "Look, Bucky, your…  _ friend _ is gone. Trust me. He doesn't know you. When someone messes with your mind like that..." She trailed off and looked away, as if lost in her own memories. He didn't know Natasha's whole backstory. But he knew it'd been bad. He knew she'd had her own experiences with being manipulated into doing things.

"You're wrong. I know he's still in there."

Natasha's head snapped back around and her shoulders stiffened again. "Not after what Hydra probably did to him. When someone's been conditioned like that, there is no saving them." She paused and looked at him. "You can't save him."

Bucky shook his head. "I have to try. I can't just give up on him."

Natasha frowned like she was annoyed. "Barnes, I get that you're still in love with the guy—"

"Wait, what?"

"It's obvious you carry a torch for Steve Rogers. Every time you talk about him, you get this look on your face."

Bucky stared at her. He really hoped he hadn't been that obvious. He didn't exactly want that getting out. He licked his lips and said, "How long have you known?"

"Since I saw you defend him to Stark."

So pretty much since the beginning. Bucky didn't want to unpack what that meant now, or why she had started sleeping with him. “Then you understand why I’m not giving up on him.”

“I understand why you’re going to be stupid about this. That man isn’t Steve Rogers anymore. He isn’t the first Captain America. He’s just the Winter Soldier. And he will kill you if you give him an inch.”

Bucky looked at her. "Don't tell me you're actually concerned about  _ me _ ."

"You know what, James, I am. But I'm mostly concerned about the millions of people who will die today if we fail. This is a lot bigger than one man."

"I can finish the mission and save him."

Natasha crossed her arms. "And if you can't? I need to know you'll make the right choice."

Bucky sighed. "Don't worry. I won't let Hydra get what they want.”

“If it comes down to it, are you going to be able to take him out in order to stop project Insight? Will you be able to kill him?”

“I’ll do what I have to.”

“That isn’t an answer.”

“I’ll stop those helicarriers. Or I’ll die trying.”

Natasha sighed and walked over so she was standing right in front of him. She reached up and gently rested her hand against his face. “That’s what I’m worried about, Bucky.” She stood there looking up at him for a moment, and then she pulled her hand away and took a step back.

He looked at her and then smiled lightly. “Well, I don’t plan on dying today.” He stepped around her and headed for the stairs. “Come on. Time to suit up.”

Bucky didn't say anything to anyone else as he went to change into his uniform. Leave it to Nick Fury to get his hands on one of Bucky's spares. Bucky had had to ditch the one he'd been wearing when he made his escape from the Triskelion.

He secured the straps on his back that magnetically could hold the shield and picked up his helmet last of all. He looked down at it for a second. This was the one piece of his uniform that was the same design as Steve's from the war. It was the only piece he was comfortable using, aside from the shield.

Where Steve's uniform had been blue, Bucky's was mostly black. When he'd first joined SHIELD, they'd only changed the uniform to black pants, so it had felt too similar to Steve's. After the Battle of New York, he made some major adjustments. Now the only non-black section was a triangle of the flag on his chest, which was mirrored on his back. The top was blue, with a white star in the center, and red and white stripes going down to a point on his stomach.

It looked like Steve's first shield, the triangular one he used in the USO shows. But the reason Bucky liked it was cause that was the first shield he had seen Steve use as the real Captain America. Now, everyone recognized the round shield. And people knew the round shield was used in the war. No one remembered the shield Steve had used when he'd saved Bucky's life.

He paused as he pulled his helmet on. Phil Coulson would have recognized it. He was a total Captain America geek. Too bad he never got to see it. The guy had just been trying to be a hero, and he paid the ultimate price. But if Bucky had learned anything about heroes, it was that this world tended to chew up and spit out the good ones, leaving only people like him and Stark and Natasha to pick up the slack. People like them weren't born to be heroes. Steve was. And look what had happened to him.

But he was alive. So Bucky could still save him.

That’s what he kept telling himself as they made their way into the Triskelion, and as he summoned up a speech to rally the agents of SHIELD who weren’t Hydra to stand up and fight. He kept thinking that as he jumped into the first Helicarrier and fought his way to the computer terminal to replace the first chip. And he thought that as he came to a stop on the catwalk of the last Helicarrier.

Blocking his path to the terminal was Steve, still decked out in black combat gear. The face mask was gone, though. The metal plate around his eye shined like it'd been adjusted and cleaned. And the skin around it was red and inflamed. What the hell had they done so that the inflammation was still visible even with Steve's incredible healing factor?

Bucky looked at him for a moment and then said, "People are going to die, Steve. Innocent people. You wouldn't let that happen." All this time, he'd kept himself going by asking himself what Steve would do in his situation. He just tried to be the Captain America Steve would have been. And now he was going to have to try to remind Steve, himself, of that.

Steve didn't say anything. He just stared Bucky down.

"Steve..." Bucky said quietly, and okay, yes, a bit desperately. "I don't want to fight you." When Steve still didn't say anything, Bucky clenched his jaw and threw his shield hard.

Steve dodged to the side and the shield ricocheted off the terminal behind him. Bucky caught it just in time to block Steve as he slashed at him with a knife he'd pulled out of somewhere.

The fight was just as fast and hectic as it had been on the causeway. But this time, Bucky couldn't just play defense. He had to replace that computer chip to highjack Insight's targeting program. Between slashes and hits, he pulled up the chips and yanked out the one he would replace. Just as he pulled out the one Hill had given him, Steve slammed into him and sent the two of them over the rail and down into the glass fishbowl.

Bucky shook off the shock of the fall and realized he had dropped the computer chip. Bucky’s shield had also slipped off his arm, and it had landed right next to Steve. They both looked at the computer chip, which was closer to Bucky, and then moved at the same time. Bucky ran for the fallen chip, and Steve snatched up Bucky’s shield. Bucky didn’t have a chance to reach the computer chip, because he was forcibly, and painfully reminded that the shield had originally belonged to Steve, who had years to perfect his technique, even if he couldn’t remember that. He spun once and threw the shield at Bucky. He saw the spiral of red, white, and blue a half second before it slammed into his chest and sent him flying back into one of the metal girders.

Steve frowned and looked down at his hand. But the reaction lasted only a moment before he was on Bucky again. It was only fast reflexes and training that allowed Bucky to catch Steve's arm as he stabbed down with a new knife. But Steve was stronger. There was no way Bucky could keep up with his super soldier strength, even with the training he'd had over the last couple years.

He only managed to deflect, so the knife went into his shoulder instead of his face. Bucky grunted in pain and used the opening to reach out and grab his shield before slamming it into Steve’s face. He heard a  _ crack _ , and for a second, Bucky was worried he had seriously injured Steve. But when he looked, he saw the noise had come from the metal plate on his face, which Bucky had definitely cracked.

Steve looked at him in confusion for a moment, like he was dazed by the hit. During which time, Bucky yanked the knife out of his shoulder and tossed it aside. His whole arm was going to kill him once the adrenaline died down. 

Steve seemed to come out of whatever shock he was in, because that grim look came back down over his face. Instead of going for Bucky again, he went for the computer chip.

“Oh, no you don’t!” Bucky yelled as scrambled after him.

He managed to grab Steve's arm and yank it back, but that didn't make Steve drop the chip. Instead, he twisted his body in an agile move, that might have even put Natasha to shame, to slam Bucky to the ground with one hand at his throat, and the computer chip clenched in his other hand.

Bucky struggled to gasp for air. He tightened his grip on his shield. Through the lack of oxygen he decided that if cracking that metal plate had stunned Steve before, that was what he had to go for. So he swung his left arm up wide and rammed the edge of the shield into the metal on Steve's forehead. The already damaged tech split in half and crumbled off.

Steve howled in pain and loosened his grip on Bucky's throat so Bucky could shove him off and flip them over. He pressed his forearm to Steve's neck. Steve was too stunned to fight back, and Bucky only held him long enough for him to pass out, not to kill him.

"God, I'm so sorry, Steve," he mumbled as he reached over him to grab the fallen computer chip. He ran for the central support tower and started to make his way back up to the computer terminal.

That move could have kept a normal man down, but who knew how long he had before Steve regained consciousness. Turned out the answer was only a couple minutes. Bucky was only half way up the tower when he heard a bang and pain shot through his thigh. He glanced down and saw Steve had a gun and was glaring up at him. His thigh was bleeding profusely from a bullet wound that had gone clean through his leg.

“ _ Thirty seconds, Cap! _ ” Hill’s voice said in his ear.

Bucky ignored the pain and continued climbing. He dragged himself onto the catwalk and heard another bullet ping the metal, right where his head had been a moment before. His leg and his arm burned, but he pulled himself to his feet. “Stand by,” he said into his comm. “Charlie lock—”

He heard the bang a split second before a bullet tore through his left arm. He cried out in pain and his injured leg buckled under him. No way. He wasn’t going to let them win, even if they were using Steve against him.  _ Especially _ because they were using Steve to try to kill him. He wouldn’t even let Steve stop him. He had told Natasha he would get this done, so he was damn sure going to get this done.

Bucky dragged himself up onto his uninjured leg, with the computer chip clutched tightly in his right hand. He leaned heavily on the terminal, both because he couldn’t stand, and because he was trying to stay out of Steve’s line of sight. He reached his right arm out and dropped the chip into place before sagging back down.

“Charlie locked…” he breathed into his comm.

He thought he heard Hill let out a breath of relief, but then she was all business when she said, “ _ Okay, Cap, get out of there. _ ”

“No, fire now,” he said.

There was a pause, then, “ _ Bucky… _ ”

“Just do it! Do it now!”

She must have listened to him, because he heard heavy cannon fire, and then the whole helicarrier shook. In fact, it started shaking so bad with the fire it was taking that the catwalk became disconnected from the terminal. It swung out, with Bucky still on it, then the support buckled and the catwalk dropped toward the glass fishbowl. Bucky tried to grab hold of it with his right hand, since his left was now useless. But he couldn’t get a grip. The sudden feeling of weightlessness took over and he made one last grab for the torn end of metal, but he missed.

He landed hard enough on the already compromised glass below him that it cracked. The fall hadn’t done any favors for his arm or his leg either. Pain shot through his whole body and he tried to push himself up, but the next minute, his vision was filled with grey. One of the metal support beams had come loose and was falling right toward him. He tried to roll out of the way, but wasn’t fast enough. The metal girder hadn’t killed him, but it had him pinned against the glass.

Bucky tried futilely to lift it enough to slide out, but with only one working arm, it was impossible. He saw movement out of the corner of his eye and turned his head to see Steve was standing over him, with his gun pointed between Bucky’s eyes.

Bucky stopped trying to get free and stared right back up at Steve. The metal wires and plates on his head must have done more damage than he had thought when they broke. The whole left side of Steve’s face was covered with blood, and Bucky could make out a gash where the metal plate had been above his eye. But Steve didn’t seem to notice. He just looked down at Bucky, with the gun pointed at his head.

Bucky licked his dry lips and tried to think of what to do or say. He could say anything here, but what came out was just a broken gasp, just, “Steve…”

Steve’s expression changed briefly. The hardness was replaced by confusion once again, and then something else, something familiar. For a moment, Bucky thought Steve had looked at him like he used to, back before the war and before the procedure, and before anyone had thought up Captain America. And then it was gone, as if Bucky had only imagined it.

“Who are you?” Steve asked, in that same monotone from before.

“My name…” Bucky started slowly. He unclasped and yanked off his helmet, before tossing it somewhere out of his eyesight. “...is James Buchanan Barnes.”

There were warring expressions of recognition and pain, confusion and hatred racing across Steve’s face. The glass under Bucky cracked more, and the metal shifted just enough that Bucky felt his leg come loose. He pushed the metal as hard as he could and managed to drag himself free.

Bucky sat on his knees, leaning forward to rest his weight on his right hand as he panted hard from the exertion. He knew he was losing too much blood from his leg and his arm. He raised his eyes to look back up at Steve’s face. Steve hadn’t moved at all while Bucky had pulled himself free. He hadn’t helped, but neither had he tried to stop Bucky.

He still held the gun pointed at Bucky’s head, but his grip was looser. Bucky pushed himself up onto his knees, and then he grabbed the side of the metal girder to pull himself onto his good leg. “My name is Bucky,” he said breathlessly. “You know me.”

The gun dropped from Steve’s hand and bounced through a broken pane of glass. There was so much pain on Steve’s face. He shook his head and took a step back, and then he clutched the side of his head, smearing blood into his hair.

“Steve…” Bucky said desperately. He couldn’t move from where he was leaning against the metal. “You’ve known me your whole life…”

“No, I don’t!” Steve screamed back at him. He crossed the distance between them in two strides and grabbed Bucky by the front of his uniform.

Bucky couldn’t do anything but hold onto his arm, but Steve made no move to choke him again. Instead, he threw Bucky to the floor, at least a part that hadn’t broken. The Helicarrier was falling apart around them, and he could see the other two falling from the sky. Bucky coughed hard from the impact and gripped his left arm, which he had landed on. Fresh waves of pain went coursing through his body.

He looked up to see Steve standing over him with both hands clenched. He looked down at Bucky with so much rage. God, Bucky had never seen Steve so angry. He’d never even have thought Steve was capable of looking like that.

“Steve,” he tried again. “You’re… you’re my best friend.”

Steve kicked him hard in the side, hard enough to send him rolling a couple of times. When he came to a stop on his back, Steve leaned down to grab his uniform again. “You’re my mission,” he spat in Bucky’s face before he started pummeling it with his fist.

Dark spots danced in front of Bucky’s eyes as he was hit with punch after punch. But he could still see the tears streaming down Steve’s face.

Steve punctuated every hit with, “You’re! My! Mission!” He was breathing even harder than Bucky, and seemed to be fighting off some kind of panic attack.

Bucky’s side hurt. Steve had probably cracked a few ribs when he’d kicked him. And he couldn’t even move his arm or his leg anymore. Not to mention his face was a patchwork of numb and pain. But he still looked up at Steve and said as calmly as he could, “Then finish it. Cause I’m with you ‘til the end of the line…”

Steve stared down at him with the most raw and vulnerable expression. The dark look disappeared from his face, and the arm he had raised and drawn back in preparation to hit Bucky one more time sank back to the floor. The other hand holding his uniform unclenched until he had his fingers splayed against Bucky’s chest. Steve blinked the blood out of his eyes and opened his mouth, but no sound came out. After a silent moment filled with the sounds of shrieking metal and fiery explosions, Steve said quietly, so quietly Bucky could barely hear, “Bucky…?”

Bucky opened his mouth to reply, but before he could say anything, the central terminal finally came apart and crashed into the glass supporting Bucky’s weight. It shattered beneath him, and he didn’t have time to react. He fell along with the debris. Right before he hit the water of the Potomac below him, he saw Steve hanging there, holding onto the remains of one of the metal girders. And then water surrounded him.

He gave a few attempts to reach the surface, but neither his left arm or his right leg responded. And with the weight of his uniform, he continued to sink through the water. Strangely, he was okay with this. He’d done what he’d promised to do, he’d stopped the Insight helicarriers, and he hadn’t had to kill Steve to do it. So what if he died in the process? Maybe it was time. Because the one thing that had been constantly at the back of his mind ever since he woke up from the ice, or maybe even before that, was that he should have fallen off that train, not Steve. He should have died on that mountaintop. So it was fitting that some ghost of Steve was what finally did him in. He deserved it.

Something crossed his vision, but he couldn’t be bothered to care what it was anymore. He let his eyes drift closed and welcomed the darkness. But a minute later, he was rudely thrust into the light, and cold air filled his lungs. He hacked and wheezed and rolled over to cough up a lungful of water onto what could only be sand. He blinked his eyes open again, and at first, his vision was blurry, but it slowly sharpened and settled onto one picture.

“Breathe…” a quiet voice said next to him.

Bucky turned his head, and even that effort pained him. He looked to the side and saw Steve kneeling beside him, with his arm outstretched as it he was going to touch Bucky, but had decided against it.

“St…” Bucky tried to say, but his throat felt like someone had dropped tacks down it. He coughed again and more water dribbled out of his mouth, along with a little blood. Steve’s hand moved closer, but he still didn’t touch Bucky.

Bucky wrapped his right arm around the side Steve had kicked earlier and rolled onto his back. He swallowed heavily and tried again. “Steve…” His voice was still ragged and raw. “You…”

Steve frowned. “I’m not…” He shook his head. Like Bucky, he was soaking wet, as he obviously had dived into the water to save him. So the blood on his face had mostly been washed away, and Bucky could see the gash there had already started to close up. “I’m not who you think I am. I’m not that man anymore.” He gazed down at Bucky, and then he did tentatively reach out and touch Bucky’s shoulder. “But I know you.”

“You… you may think you’re different,” Bucky said weakly, “but I know you’re still the same person inside.” He reached up shakily and grabbed Steve’s arm. “You’re still Steve Rogers, that punk from Brooklyn who was… too stupid to run away from a fight.”

Steve stared down at him, like he was trying so hard to remember where he’d heard that before. But then he frowned and shook his head. He pulled his arm back out of Bucky’s grip and stood up. Bucky’s hand reached up after him, but Steve stepped back.

Bucky dropped his arm and tried to roll himself onto his right elbow, but his lungs would not allow it. So instead, he gazed up at Steve. “Please don’t go… Not when I finally have you back…”

Steve hesitated, but then he shook his head and took another few steps back. He nodded towards a helicopter that was circling the smoking Triskelion. Bucky could see one of the helicarriers had crashed into it. As he looked, the helicopter turned and started to head toward them. 

“Your friends will be coming to retrieve you. And you need medical attention. I cannot be here when they arrive.”

“No, Steve, they’ll understand. They won’t try to lock you up. If I tell them…”

Steve just stared at him. “I can’t. I need… I need to figure out who I am first.” He looked down at his hands. “Who I was.”

“Steve…” Bucky leaned on his elbow despite the pain ripping through his chest and drawing every breath short.

Steve looked back at him. His mouth twisted, caught between a frown and a smile. So he turned his back on Bucky and started to walk away. But he paused after a few steps and said over his shoulder, “I will see you again… Bucky…” He glanced back one more time, and then he disappeared into the bushes and trees that lined the river.

“Steve…” Bucky tried once more, but it only came out as a whisper. His arm shook under him, until it couldn’t take it and he collapsed to the ground. He could hear chopper blades come closer, but he didn’t see them. The adrenaline had finally run out, and the pain took over. He didn’t try to move again and passed out right there in the sand.

 

_ Bucky poked at the small fire they’d built on the snowy mountainside. They were surrounded by enough trees and wilderness that Steve had determined it safe to have a fire going, even though they were in enemy territory. _

_ “Okay, get some sleep,” Steve said to the rest of the Commandos. "I've got first watch." He nodded to Morita. "I'll wake you in two hours." _

_ "Right. Night, Cap," Morita said as he crawled into one of the tents. The others mumbled similar things and also disappeared into the Army tents. It was cold, and nobody wanted to be out in the snow. But it didn't bother Steve and Bucky as much as the others. _

_ Steve looked over at him when he didn't move. "You too, Buck. Get some sleep before your watch." _

_ Bucky looked across the fire at him. "I'll stay up with you a minute, if that's okay." _

_ Steve watched him, but then he shrugged one shoulder and said, "Sure." He settled down against a fallen log across the fire from the tents, so he'd have a better vantage to see into the darkness. _

_ Bucky came around the fire to sit next to him. He slouched down enough that his head was barely visible above the log from the tents. He wrapped his arms around his body and looked out into the darkness. _

_ Steve looked at him, and then he also turned his head to gaze out where Bucky was looking. "What's on your mind?" he asked quiet enough that it wouldn't be heard across the crackling flames. _

_ "Why does something have to be on my mind?" Bucky replied stubbornly. _

_ "Cause I know you." _

_ Bucky sighed and uncrossed his arms. "You think we'll really get him tomorrow?" _

_ Steve looked at him. "Zola?" He frowned. "You think the intel's not good?" _

_ "No, it's not that..." Bucky looked away. "We're supposed to capture him alive. But the guy… tortured me. I don't want him alive. I want him dead..." _

_ "Bucky..." Steve said quietly. He reached over and gently threaded his fingers through Bucky's hair. _

_ Bucky glanced back, but all the tent flaps were closed, and the fire and the log blocked them from the Commandos’ view. So he settled down and closed his eyes, leaning into Steve's hand. "I know why we need him alive. I understand how important it is… But that's the last thing I want." _

_ "I know. He deserves to die. You're not the only one who would rather see him dead." _

_ Bucky opened his eyes to see Steve's expression was hard. "But instead, we have to pull off this dangerous stunt to get onto the guy's train and capture him." _

_ "Yes, we do. Cause that's the mission." _

_ "Yeah… The mission..." He looked ahead again and Steve let his hand fall back to his side. _

_ "We can't be out for revenge, you know," he said after a silent moment. "If we went after these guys just to pay them back, we'd lose. This whole thing, the war, the Nazis, Hydra, it's all bigger than the two of us." _

_ Bucky turned his head and looked at Steve's profile. "Well, you're a lot better at being selfless than me." _

_ Steve smiled lightly. "I'm not selfless. I want to kill all those bastards for what they did to you." _

_ Both Bucky's eyebrows rose up his forehead. "Wow, Rogers." _

_ "I'm serious, Bucky." Steve looked at him. He reached out again and took Bucky's face in both hands. "I thought you were dead." _

_ Bucky stared at him. "Well, I'm right here." He touched one of Steve's wrists. "I'm okay." _

_ "Better stay that way." Steve glanced at the tents, then he leaned forward and just barely pressed his lips again Bucky's. "Cause I don't think I could stand to lose you." _

_ Bucky's fingers tightened on Steve's wrist. "Yeah? Likewise." Afraid someone wasn't asleep, or they might be overheard, he mouthed the words  _ I love you, _ rather than say them out loud. _

_ Steve smiled, and then leaned forward and brushed his lips against Bucky's ear. "I love you too," he whispered. "And when we get back from this mission, I'm going to show you just how much." He pulled back just enough so he could smirk at Bucky. _

_ Bucky felt the corners of his mouth turn up into a smirk as well. "I'm looking forward to that." _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this makes up for how short the last chapter was. I gotta say, this was my favorite section to write, from start to finish. And I actually really like Natasha, so I don't know why she comes off as so... mean in this fic.
> 
> Bucky's Cap uniform is obviously based on the comics. Cause, come on, that is the best Captain America uniform. The one Steve wears throughout Brubaker's run is stupid. Bucky's is awesome. If you don't know what it looks like, look it up, cause it's cool. I would love to see this uniform in the MCU. (But Sebastian Stan repeatedly says he has no idea if/when Bucky will be Captain America.)


	6. Chapter 6

Bucky expected to see Steve when he woke up. Instead, he found Natasha and Sam waiting for him. Steve didn’t try to contact him while he was in the hospital or in the weeks that followed which he spent healing and Natasha spent in hearings on Capitol Hill. He didn’t hear anything about Steve, so he asked Natasha for a favor. And she came through.

After seeing Fury off at his empty gravesite, Natasha handed Bucky a file in Russian. He flipped it open to reveal one small photo of Steve as Captain America, clipped to a larger photo of Steve as the Winter Soldier, in some kind of cryogenic freezing pod.

“Be careful, Bucky,” she said. “You may not like what you find.”

“I know.” He looked down at her. “But I have to do this.”

She tilted her head slightly, and then she put her hand on his chest and leaned up to kiss him once, chastely, on the lips. She pulled back and smirked at him. “One more for the road before you go to find your boy.”

Bucky smiled lightly. “Thanks, Natasha, for everything.”

She turned on her heel and started to walk away. “I’ll see you around, Barnes," she called over her shoulder.

Sam promised to help on his search for Steve, but Bucky had no idea where to start. So the first thing he did was sit down and go through that file. His German was rusty, but he could understand most of it. It was the Russian that gave him trouble. Luckily, Natasha had done half the work for him and attached translation notes. The rest he had to figure out on his own.

After another month of nothing, and after having gone through the file so many times that not only did he have it memorized. He had gone completely from blood-boiling rage about the contents, to acceptance and sadness, then back around to rage again. Steve, or more, the Winter Soldier, really was a ghost. Even with reports of Hydra facilities mysteriously being taken out, Bucky still couldn't find him.

One evening as he went through the file again, he just got too fed up and threw the contents across the room. Papers scattered everywhere, but he didn't bother to collect them. Instead, he went to the kitchen and pulled down a bottle of whiskey he had stashed. There was barely enough left for one drink, so he opted for no glass and lifted the bottle to his lips.

He carried it back to the living room and surveyed the damage. Eventually, he'd have to pick those papers up again and organize them, but he wasn't going to do it now. As he lifted the bottle to take another drink, he heard from behind him, "That's quite a mess."

Bucky's heart leapt up into his throat. He swallowed heavily and slowly lowered the bottle before turning to look behind them.

Steve stood there, wearing a grey hoodie and jeans, which were at complete odds with the black leather and canvas Bucky had last seen him in. The hood was pulled up to partially hide his face and he had his hands in his pockets.

Bucky licked his lips and then said, "I didn't hear you come in. How did you get in?"

"Assassin," Steve said by way of explanation. "I'm kinda good at that." He pointed back to the open window behind him.

"That was locked," Bucky said.

Steve gave him a look that pretty much said  _ I'm not going to dignify that with an answer _ .

"Right..." Bucky said slowly. He set the whiskey bottle on the table, but never took his eyes off Steve. "So… You came back."

"I told you I'd see you again." He smiled wryly. "Didn't believe me?"

"Honestly, I didn't know what to believe. After all that shit that went down..." Bucky took a tentative step closer, but Steve didn't look like he was about to bolt. "You said you had to figure some stuff out. Did you? Figure things out?"

Steve looked away. He took his hands out of his pockets and let them hang at his sides. "Yeah. I had to find out..." he trailed off and didn't elaborate on what he was trying to find out. "The rest I started to remember on my own. As soon as this was gone." He pulled back his hood and indicated his forehead.

Where the metal had been, there was a jagged scar that ran over his left eye and into his hair, which had started to grow out. There were still faint scar lines visible along where it had been shaved. Without thinking about it, Bucky crossed the room so he was standing in front of Steve. He started to reach out towards the scar, but he stopped short and pulled his hand back.

"God, Steve… It left a scar..." He didn't wonder what could do that anymore. He knew exactly what they'd done to Steve. He'd read all about it in that file. How the normal brainwashing electroshock techniques didn't work because he could recover too quickly, so they had to wire a device directly into his brain to control him and block his memories.

"Even I can't heal from everything." He saw Bucky's hesitation and said, "It's okay. Go ahead."

So Bucky reached up and gently traced his fingers over the scar. Steve closed his eyes at the touch. Bucky almost thought he was going to start shaking from nerves. He fought off an alien invasion, and this had him nervous. He gently slid his fingers along the side of Steve's head and into his hair.

"You know, when I started to remember things, I went to research if I was hallucinating, or if those things had actually happened. Most stuff I could find proof of. But one thing..." He opened his eyes and stared down at Bucky. "I kept remembering us… together… Throughout the war."

"That's true," Bucky said quickly. "That's all true."

"So we were..."

"Yeah." Bucky didn't pull his hand back.

Steve looked at him sadly. "That must have been… awful for you. After I fell."

Bucky looked away and let his hand drop. "That's a word for it."

"Bucky..." Steve reached out and gently touched his shoulder, to make him face him again. "And then you became Captain America."

They both looked over at the shield, which was leaning against Bucky's bookshelf.

"I never wanted you to carry that burden," Steve said. He looked back at Bucky. "That shouldn't have had to fall on you."

"It didn't fall on me." Maybe for the first time, Bucky realized that was true. "I wasn't going to let anyone else do it. And really, who else was there? It always had to be me."

Steve still had that sad look on his face. "You've done amazing things, Bucky."

"I was..." He hesitated. "I was just trying to make you proud. To live up to your legacy."

"My legacy, huh? I think I've spent more time murdering and leaving a trail of bodies than I ever spent as Captain America." He looked over again. "That title and the shield are yours now."

"No, Steve… You're not Hydra’s puppet anymore. You've got your memories back, right?"

"Yeah. And all that means is that I also remember all the awful things I've done..." He looked down.

"That wasn't your fault… It was Hydra."

"It doesn't matter." He looked down at his hands. "I was given this strength to help people, and instead the very people I was trying to stop used it to their advantage."

Bucky looked at him. "So what do you plan to do now?"

Steve raised his eyes to meet Bucky's again. "Pay them back. I'm not going to stop until every single member of Hydra is dead."

Bucky swallowed heavily. "That doesn't sound like the Steve Rogers I know."

"The Steve Rogers you knew fell off a train seventy years ago. I'm what's left." He pulled back from Bucky.

"No, wait!" Bucky reached out and grabbed Steve's arm, afraid he would leave again. The next thing he knew, his back was pressed to the wall and Steve's forearm was at his throat.

A deadly, blank look was on Steve's face, but a second later it disappeared. Steve dropped his arm and retreated back quickly. "God, I'm so sorry, Bucky! I..."

While it hadn't exactly felt good to have a muscly arm pressed against his windpipe, he wasn't injured. "I'm okay."

"I could have killed you!"

"Steve, there isn't even a bruise."

"That day on the Helicarrier, I could have killed you!"

Bucky watched him for a moment. He didn’t move from the wall. “But you didn’t.”

“I was trying to!” He paced in front of Bucky. “It’s not just the other people I’ve killed. I tried to kill  _ you _ .”

“But you  _ didn’t _ ,” Bucky repeated. He took a step forward. “Steve, stop, look at me.” He reached out again, this time much more slowly and set his hand against Steve’s arm. Steve stopped pacing and looking at him. “When you had the chance to end it, you didn’t. Instead you saved me.”

Steve looked at him with a devastated expression on his face. “That doesn’t excuse what I’ve done.”

“Listen to me.” Bucky moved closer and slid his other hand along the side of Steve’s neck. “I don’t care what you’ve done, what you were forced to do. All I care about is that you’re  _ alive _ . You’re alive, and you remember me, and you remember us.” He looked up into Steve’s eyes. They were still impossibly blue. “I spent too many years not being with you when I could’ve. So there’s no way I’m going to let something like Hydra stop me now. Cause I thought I’d lost you forever, Steve.” He paused and moved closer, moving the hand on Steve’s arm to grab a fistful of the front of his jacket. “I love you, Steve. Never stopped, even when I thought you were gone.”

Steve stared at him with wide eyes. And then he leaned down and crashed his lips against Bucky’s. He slid his hand along the back of Bucky’s head to hold him there, but Bucky wasn’t planning on going anywhere. Instead, he leaned closer into the kiss. It was rough, and uncoordinated, and filled with seventy years’ worth of longing.

Steve pressed Bucky back against the wall again and slid one hand up his stomach under his shirt. "This is probably a terrible idea..." Steve mumbled between kisses. 

Bucky actually laughed and just pulled him closer. "Since when have I done anything that's good for me? I just spent the past year sleeping with the Black Widow."

Steve pulled back to look at him, and for a moment, Bucky was worried he'd killed the moment. "You slept with Natasha Romanoff? You do live dangerously."

Bucky rolled his eyes. "It's not like we're enemies. We're teammates." He skimmed his fingers down Steve's chest. "And it was easier being with someone when there was no emotional attachment. Anything else would have just reminded me too much of you."

Steve looked at him. "Well I'm here now." He wrapped his hand around the back of Bucky's neck and pulled him into another kiss. "Let's make the most of it."

 

Bucky didn't want to fall asleep. He didn't want to give Steve the chance to sneak out on him. But he was exhausted, physically and emotionally. To say he hadn't been sleeping much would be an understatement. So after they finally moved from the living room to the bedroom, after quiet moans and gasps, after sweat-slicked skin against skin, Bucky wrapped his arms tightly around Steve’s body and held onto him as he drifted off.

He woke up in the middle of the night. It was still very dark out, so Bucky couldn’t see well. In his still half-asleep state, he realized there was no moon and that was probably why Steve had come that night. It was easier to move about when it was this dark. In the next second, Bucky realized he was alone in the bed. He jumped up, thinking Steve had left him. But he didn’t have to go far.

Steve stood across the room. He glanced over his shoulder at Bucky when Bucky stood from the bed. “Did I wake you? I’m sorry. Sleep is…”

“I get it,” Bucky said slowly. He searched around until he could find pants to put on, and then he carefully walked over to Steve. “I didn’t really sleep when I was first woken form the ice either.” Steve had his back to him, half-dressed. Bucky paused behind him. “I thought you left…”

Steve glanced back at him again. “No. I wouldn’t sneak out on you.”

Bucky crossed his arms. “Well… Good…”

He could finally see that Steve was holding something, so he walked to his side to see that it was actually his shield. Steve gripped the edges and stared down at the white star in the center.

“I remember the first time I saw this thing…” Steve said quietly. He loosened his grip and twirled the shield end over end between his hands before stopping it face-up again. “I didn’t think it would come to… mean so much.”

“It’s the thing everyone associates with Captain America…” Bucky looked down at the shield, and then at Steve’s face. “And it’s saved my life on more than one occasion.” 

“It always was useful.” Steve paused. “Except when I needed it most.”

“Steve…” Bucky said quietly. “About that… That mission, the train…” He took a deep breath. “I’m sorry… I… It shouldn’t have ended that way. You were covering me. And I had distracted you. That guy wouldn’t have gotten the drop on us, if I hadn’t been…”

Steve turned and stared at him. “God, Bucky, have you been blaming yourself for what happened for the past seventy years?”

Bucky shrugged one shoulder.

“It wasn’t your fault.” Steve turned to fully face him. “It wasn’t. It was just… It was bad luck. We were always fighting the odds, and that day we lost. But it wasn’t your fault.”

“There was more I could’ve done.”

“There’s always more someone could’ve done. That’s what I’ve noticed in all these…” he trailed off and looked away. “And it usually doesn’t make a damn difference. People still die.”

“But apparently with us, it doesn’t take.”

Steve looked back at him, and then smirked lightly. “Apparently not.”

Bucky nodded down at the shield. “If you want it back…”

“No, no, no.” Steve said quickly. “I told you. I’m not going back to Captain America. Everyone knows Bucky Barnes is Captain America now.” He smiled at Bucky. “And you’re doing a damn fine job with it.”

“You know… I always thought of it as your shield, even when I’m wearing the red, white, and blue.”

Steve looked down at the shield again, and then he held it out to Bucky. “It stopped being my shield the moment I fell off the train and you picked it up to take my place.”

Bucky took it carefully. He looked down at the star, and the red and white circles. There were many times he just stared at this thing and thought about Steve, about what could’ve been different.

“What you said before…”

Bucky looked up to meet his eyes again.

“About trying to make me proud, and live up to my legacy, and all that.” Steve smiled softly, and then he reached out to gently touch Bucky’s face. He stroked the pad of his thumb over Bucky’s cheekbone. “I am proud. So proud of everything you’ve done. I know you never wanted to be the hero. You were always just covering my ass. And now you’re Captain America.”

“I didn’t want to be. But now, I guess...”

“You’re good at it. So keep being Captain America. Keep carrying the shield. I’ll watch from the shadows.”

Bucky looked at him. “Stay with me.”

Steve hesitated. When he started to pull his hand back, Bucky lifted his quickly and trapped Steve’s there.

He turned his head and kissed Steve’s palm. “Please stay with me…”

“I told you… I’ve got a new mission. But I…” He moved closer. “Okay. I can’t promise I’ll be here all the time, but when I’m around, I’ll be here.”

“Good.” Bucky dropped the shield so he could wrap his other arm around Steve’s shoulders and kiss him softly.

“By the way…” Steve said. They stayed close, barely a breath apart. “I love you too. Even when I didn’t remember, I think I still loved you.”

Bucky looked at him and smiled. “It only took us seventy years, but we finally are together again. Not exactly like we imagined it during the war, is it?”

Steve smiled. “The whole twenty-first century thing was unexpected.”

Bucky laughed quietly. “Punk.”

“Jerk.”

Steve kissed him again. “Love you. And from now on, I’m with you ‘til the end of the line.”

Bucky leaned his forehead against Steve’s. “Yeah… ‘til the end of the line…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it! That's the end.
> 
> I honestly did not plan for it to get so sappy. But I am a huuuuuuuge sap. So there's only so much heartache I can put these guys through without descending into fluff.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Fanart] Bucky Barnes, Captain America](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13174809) by [LelsieSphinx](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LelsieSphinx/pseuds/LelsieSphinx)




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